Funny Vanu Stories

[Jarlo]

I stole these from the Message boards-- funny as hell 8)

Two men wearing labcoats stood at a table. The room was brightly lit and throbbed with alien energy. The Vanu insignia adorned everything.
"Behold," said the taller of the two scientists. "My creation. I shall call it the Beamer."

"A marvelous gun, Dr. Moopface. Have you tested it?"

"Not yet, Dr. Limmy. Shall we give it a test run?"

"You do the honors, doctor."

Dr. Moopface picked the weapon up and tested its weight. He smiled, running his hand down the weapon. A truly marvelous creation, a wonder of-

BZOW!

"Ow!"

"Oh my god! Dr. Limmy, are you alright?" Dr. Moopface dropped the weapon to the table and rushed to his fallen collegue.

Dr. Limmy sat up in Dr. Moopface's arms, a confused look on his face. "You... shot me..."

"I didn't mean to! The trigger slipped, I-"

"I actually don't feel that bad."

Dr. Moopface hesitated. "What? What do you mean?"

"I mean... I feel ok." Dr. Limmy rubbed his chest. "Actually... I think I just got the wind knocked out of me."

"But I shot you!" shouted Dr. Moopface, who was beginning to feel that something horribly wrong had taken place.

"I know. Isn't this wierd?" The two doctors stood, and Dr. Limmy picked the weapon up. Before Dr. Moopface could stop him, Limmy put the weapon to his head and pulled the trigger.

BZOW!

"Actually, it feels kinda tingly."

"Stop that."

"Its like a neat massage toy."

BZOW! BZOW! BZOW!

"Whoo!"

Dr. Moopface snatches the weapon from Dr. Limmy. "Give me that! This is a... highly dangerous tool of war!"

"Is there a reason why you didn't make your weapon lethal, Dr. Moopface?"

"Well, I had to tone down the damage a bit. You know, to fit in the AP mode."

"The AP mode? Why would it need that?"

Dr. Moopface smiled, holding the weapon higher. "Why, to make it reasonable against vehicles, of course."

"Last I checked, Dr. Moopface, the Terran Republic were not driving bigwheels."

"I hate you, Dr. Limmy."

[Jarlo]

Dr. Limmy descended the steps to Dr. Moopface's lab, holding the envelope in his hand. Upon entering, he spotted Dr. Moopface leaning over a table, both hands planted on the surface. His head was bowed low and he wasn't moving, creating the perfect image of the brooding scientist.
"Ahem."

"Yes?" asked Dr. Moopface, not looking up.

"Just wanted to let you know the beamer has been released to all Vanu soldiers."

"How wonderful."

"And we got a letter from the Terran Republic and the New Conglamorate. Says, 'About your beamer' on the envelope. I haven't opened it yet. Shall I do the honors?"

"You may."

Dr. Limmy tore the envelope open and took the peice of paper out. He unfolded it and read it out loud.

"Hm. It just says 'Thank you'... and hey!" He fished in the envelope and pulled out another paper. "Five bucks! Well, isn't that nice?"

"Yes... how nice of them."

Dr. Limmy frowned at Dr. Moopface's back. "Dr. Moopface, you seem rather subdued today."

"Dr. Limmy, have you ever had that feeling? That you have used science to some horrible end and unleashed a horror onto the world?"

"Oh, all the time."

"Dr. Limmy, I have unleashed a horrible thing this day. And while I take solace from the knowledge that it will be used for good... I cannot help but feel responsible for the deaths it will bring."

Dr. Limmy nodded. "Hopefully the deaths will be to the enemy, of course."

"Laugh all you want, Dr. Limmy. But you won't be laughing when you see... THIS!" He spun around, holding a strange weapon high in the air. "Do you see? Vanu and human technology fused into one in perfect lethal harmony! This, Dr. Limmy, is the key to our victory, and the death knell for the empires that oppose us!"

Dr. Limmy pursed his lips. "Ooh. Spiffy."

"Dr. Limmy, I give to you the honor of testing it. Go on... take it. Fear not its latent power."

Dr. Limmy took the offered weapon, holding it in his arms, testing its weight. "Never tested it before?"

"Never once. But I know, now, that my work is finished. No weapon can surpass this."

"What are you going to call it?"

Dr. Moopface stood tall and stuck out his chest. "The PULSAR."

"Ooh. Good name. Hey, is Steve around?"

"He was here earlier."

Dr. Limmy took a deep breath and called, "Hey! Steve! You around?"

A voice from the next room said, "Right here, Doc."

"Steve, come on in here. I need your, uh, assistance."

Labratory Assistant Steve wandered into the room, wiping axle grease on his overalls. "Yeah, doc?"

"Steve, when was the last time you bonded yourself to a matrix panel?" Dr. Limmy asked, looking at the weapon with the utmost innosence.

"Why, just this morning, in fact. Can't be too careful, right? Ha ha."

"Ha ha," aggreed Dr. Limmy. "Well put. Can you do me another favor?"

"Sure, doc, anything."

"Hold still."

BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-!

"AAAAGH!"

Steve hit the floor. And Dr. Limmy nodded his approval. "Very effective, Dr. Moopface. I believe you may have finally-"

"eeuguhgughguhghghg......."

Dr. Limmy froze, and walked over to Steve. Dr. Moopface followed, looking concerned. Steve lay in a pile on the floor, but still alive.

"Doc... that... hurt quite a bit..."

"Oh, come on, steve. At least cooperate."

BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-!

"There, that oughta-"

"Eugh....."

"EAT LEAD STEVE!"

Dr. Moopface lifted a finger. "Actually, its feuled with energy canis-"

"Shut up!"

BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-*click*...zoomp, ca-chunk...BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-!

The lab was filled with silence then. Dr. Limmy stepped forward and prodded Steve with his foot. Nothing. They both breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, it sure took some doing, but your gun DID kill Steve. Good job."

"Thank you, Dr. Limmy."

"Although the damage output left a little to be des-"

"u........ugh......"

"SWEET MOTHER OF MONKEY SWEETNESS!"

Dr. Limmy threw the gun down and snatched the newly developed Vanu knife of the shelf, clicking it on. And then he stopped, and looked at Dr. Moopface.

"Dr. Moopface?"

"Yes, Dr. Limmy?"

"ugh....h....h....help...."

"Dr. Moopface, can you explain to me the reason why you designed the knife to glow?"

"Ah yes. I see you noticed. It glows, yes... glows with POWER!"

Dr. Limmy's blank stare forced Dr. Moopface to fill the silence.

"Maybe you didn't hear me. Glows... with... POWER!"

Dr. Limmy got so angry he shook. But with force of will he calmed down, turned to Steve, and said, "Say hello to the spawn tubes for me, Steve."

"h.........hello......."

ZHOOMPH!

[Jarlo]

Dr. Moopface entered the Vanu weapons labratory early in the morning to find Dr. Limmy already there, legs kicked up on the table and reading the official Vanu newspaper, The Purple Times.
"Morning, Dr. Moopface."

"Morning, Dr. Limmy. Anything good in the paper today?"

Dr. Limmy closed it. "Oh, you know, the usual stuff." He turned the paper so Dr. Moopface could see the cover. It read:

PULSAR ISSUED TO TROOPS, THOUSANDS DIE

"Well, thats good. See, maybe Steve just had a lot of stamina," said Dr. Moopface, opening the weapons cabinet.

"It goes on," said Dr. Limmy, leaning back, "Lessee... yes, right under the headline. 'Thousands of Vanu soldiers, that is.'"

"Oh, come now, it doesn't really say that!"

Dr. Limmy went on, ignoring that. "PFC Doomdraggon42 is quoted as saying, 'If I ever see that scientist who made this pile of' word edited 'I will shoot him personally. Although not with this.'"

Dr. Moopface gave Dr. Limmy a wolfish grin. "Well, maybe the good private will eat his words now... for I have a new creation."

"Really? You honestly do?"

"Of course I do."

Dr. Limmy put the paper down and stood up, rubbing his hands together. "Excellant. I always like some good entertainment."

"If by 'entertainment' you mean 'impending doom of all Vanu enemies, who shall roast in a lake of fire shortly after being shot with our new technology', then yes, I do have some 'entertainment' for you." Dr. Moopface reached into the cabinet and retrieved a large, complicated gun. It hummed with evergy. Even Dr. Limmy was impressed.

"You know, Dr. Moopface, usually I think you're a right idiot, but I honestly don't see how you can screw this up. That has got to be the fiercest looking gun I've seen in a while."

"I knew you'd like it," said Dr. Moopface, setting it down on the table. "I call it the Lasher."

"Lasher? What's it do, give the enemy a solid whipping?"

"Well, actually, it flays the skin from their bones, but thats not why I called it the Lasher. I call it the Lasher because it lashes."

Dr. Limmy frowned quizzically. "Lashes? With what?"

"Energy."

"At what?"

"Stuff. You know, the enemy."

Dr. Limmy looked at Dr. Moopface for a very long time. "Dr. Moopface, are you feeling alright?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because this idea... it... it sounds... good," said Dr. Limmy, not knowing any other way to put it. "I mean, it sounds like something a sane, well-adjusted weaponsmith would say. This is not at all like you. You've created something lethal."

Dr. Moopface swelled with pride. "This shall be my legacy. I have already tested it and it works terrific. You may try it yourself if you like."

Dr. Limmy picked the gun up and opened his mouth to call Steve's name, but Dr. Moopface stopped him. "No, you can use the target I set up over there."

A little disappointed, Dr. Limmy hefted the massive weapon and moved to the target area. There were bits and pieces of dead targets all over the floor, and the walls were still scorched. Dr. Limmy was impressed. "Quite the carnage."

"Thats just after one session," said Dr. Moopface, smiling proudly.

Suddenly, Dr. limmy turned to Dr. Moopface. "Look, this, uh, doesn't have some sort of wishy-washy AP mode, does it?"

Dr. Moopface shook his head, still smiling. "Nope. This weopon is powerful enough not to need it."

"Dr. Moopface, I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. Words wouldn't do the honors."

Dr. Limmy aimed the gun at the target and braced himself. "Technology equals might!" he shouted, pulling the trigger.

BLAZOW!

Dr. Moopface beamed with pride. Dr. Limmy looked on with a somewhat less euphoric expression.

The ball of energy slowly made its way to the target. And kept going. Dr. Limmy watched as, like an old woman with no legs or heartbeat, the bolt cralwed closer... closer...

Like a villain in a bad slasher film the bolt edged its way closer to the target. It creeped menacingly, adding to the suspense. It seemed to move in slow motion, and this was because it WAS moving in slow motion.

BLZHAAACK!

Dr. Moopface clapped his hands, "You see? Target almost obliterated!"

No response came from Dr. Limmy. With a blank expression, he squeezed off another round. The bolt followed the previous path of its brother, taking its sweet time heading for the target.

Dr. Limmy set the weapon down and walked to stand next to the bolt as it moved. He waved his hands in front of it, scratched the side of his head, and walked back to the gun.

BLZHAAACK!

"Um, Dr. Limmy? Are you not amazed by the sheer power of the weapon?"

Dr. Limmy walked right on past Dr. Moopface to the weapons cabinet and pulled out a New Conglamorate Jackhammer. Wordlessly, and without expression, he moved to the lasher and picked it up, setting the Jackhammer down. He braced himself and squeezed off seven rounds from the lasher.

Then, like a man with nothing to do for the rest of the day, Dr. Limmy picked up the Jackhammer checked the safety, put it back down, went to his coffee, had a few sips, read the sports page, came back, picked the jackhammer back up, and squeezed the trigger.

CHA-GUNK-CHA-GUNK-CHA-GUNK!

The target was blown apart so fiercely by the shotgun it was practically liquified. The lasher bolts seemed hardly to notice as they took their time towards the target that was no longer there.

As they, one by one, slowly hit the wall, Dr. Limmy turned to the astonished Dr. Moopface and, calmly, laid a hand on his shoulder. He didn't say a word, and shook his head sadly.

He then walked past Dr. Moopface and left the labs. Dr. Moopface picked up the Lasher and held it in his hands, like one would hold a recently kicked puppy.

"But... but it lashes..."

[Fatalist]

lol

[Ghost06]

:rofl: :rofl: :bouncy: :rofl: :rofl: :clap: :clap: :domotwak:

[Darksim]

i want a lancer one :( or a threseher one >:)

[TheRegurgitator]

more more more

[Tieom]

There is no smilie for how fricken hiiiilarious those are.
Unless there is a smilie which smiles, then grins, then starts rolling on the floor laughing, turns red, then blue, then purple, then explodes violently.

[Peacemaker]

LMAO :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

holy shit hilarious that was great! Lol poor steve. Lol Pulsar issued thousands die.

[Tryndamere]

HAHAHA!

[Seer]

There was a post on the beta boards, in the form of a memo from a footsoldier to his commander, that was actually even better than this.

[ucoa]

stop making fun of VS >_<

[1024]

Originally posted by Ghost06
:rofl: :rofl: :bouncy: :rofl: :rofl: :clap: :clap: :domotwak:

[HawkEye]

:rofl: those were some funny stories. more i want more

[ColdbringeR]

Just... hilarious. *wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes* :lol:

[JLeeAZN]

Originally posted by ucoa
stop making fun of VS >_<

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Hilarious

[Intruder]

An NC, TR and VS are sentenced to death for desertion and all end up in the same cell.
The time comes for execution and they are all brought together infront of the tribunal.
"Since you all had served your countries well before the horrible act, we will give you guys a choice on how to die." Said the tribunal
"You may choose between hanging, electric chair and the firing squad.

So the NC is decided to go first
He thinks about it and decides to go for hanging.
They string him up, count to 3 and let him drop.
He struggles for about a minute until finally the neck snaps. not a pretty sight.

So they then turn to the TR.
"Well lets go for the electric chair" he says
They strap him up and pull the leaver
BZZTTT
they deactivate the electric chair and low and behold he is still alive!
the tribunal says " well this is odd, ok lets try again, bigger setting"
They turn up the voltage and pull the leaver again
BBBZZZZZTTTT
turn it off, Hes still alive!!
The tribunal then says " well this is very weird... listen we have a policy if we cant kill you 3 times you get to live"
So they set the electric chair to max setting
pull the leaver
BBBBZZZZZTTTTT *sparks everywhere BBBZZZZTTTT *lights dim BBBZZZTTTT
they turn it off, and low and behold hes still alive.
So they let him go....

On his way out he passes the Vanu soldier
"Psst the electric chair, it aint working, the electric chair, it, aint, working!! "

So the tribunal turns to the VS soldier
"How would you like to die?"
The VS soldier ponders for a second
"well, the hanging is too gruesome, the electric chair inst working, you might as well shoot me!"

[Fire_Monkey]

damn funny

[JLeeAZN]

HAHA stupid VS guys are always getting picked on!!!
(i dont hate vs guys - its just the way they get picked on which makes me laugh)

[Jarlo]

Hey I have a right to make fun of VS, I have a br15 VS I used to play before I realised the futility.

The beamer one is my favorite-- it tickles 8)

[Knuckles]

[These stories are written by GamerGuru and I recommend anyone to take a peek at his posts. Very fun and talented writer.]

It was a sunny day on the Vanu Sanctuary, and Dr. Moopface was spending it outside, putting the final touches on the Vanu's newest armored assault vehicle, the formidable Magrider. Steve was with him, poking at various obligatory machine parts with some sort of mysterious alien tool.
"Make sure you co-alabrate the drive-shift nanite stabalizers, Steve," said Dr. Moopface.

"Sure thing, Doc," said Steve, ignoring him as he continued to pretend to work.

Dr. Limmy approached them then, holding a glass of lemonade in his hand. "Good morning, Dr. Moopface. Working on such a beautiful day?"

"Dr. Limmy, if our brave and noble soldiers can fight to the death on a day like today, I feel it is my duty to at least spend some of it aiding their valiant struggle."

"Mm-hmm," said Dr. Limmy, taking a sip of the lemonade. Um, that is, the TECHNO-LEMONADE, which has been infused with ancient Vanu technology, making it a bit tangier than the other empire's barbarian lemonade.

"I was just putting the final touches on it," said Dr. Moopface, tapping the purple side of the tank, making a hollow clang noise. "I was wondering what you thought. Your imput is always useful."

"And," said Dr. Limmy, "since you employ your devices anyway, I can only assume my advice is purely a novelty."

"Dr. Limmy, you shock me. Come, have a look at it. Tell me I have not created the pinnacle of deathmachines."

Dr. Limmy walked around the side of the tank, to the back, and looked under it. Dr. Limmy nodded to Steve and at the impressive hovering ability, because if its one thing the Vanu love, its stuff that floats.

"I see you gave it hover jets," said Dr. Limmy, making conversation.

"Yes, I figured it would add a certain something to it. The ability to strafe, cross water..."

"Look amazingly cool..."

Dr. Moopface chuckled. "Yes, that too."

As Limmy rounded the front to have a look at the advance gun, his head collided with something very hard and very metal.

Bong! "Ow! What the-"

"Ooh, watch it, Dr. Limmy," warned Dr. Moopface, coming around to the front, taking a few steps to avoid something that didn't seem to be there. "You ran right into the plow."

Rubbing his head, Dr. Limmy looked blearily at Dr. Moopface. Why was there always SOMETHING? "Plow, Dr. Moopface?"

"Well, yes. I thought it would make a good edition to the tank."

"Dr. Moopface, thats not like you. How... devious."

Nodding proudly, Dr. Moopface ran his hand over the invisible plow. He clicked something, and the plow shimmered into view. It was a sinister thing, covered with various spikes and sharp edges, and the spikes were oozing a strange liquid material. "Yes, I thought it would be very handy on Esmair and Cyssor. You know, with all that snow."

Dr. Limmy hesitated, his smile wavering. "Snow?"

"Well, sure. What else would you use the plow for?"

"But... why'd you make it invisible?"

Dr. Moopface folded his arms over his chest. "Why, so the pilot could see."

"And... the spikes?"

"For trees or other soft debris in the way. Don't want the hover jets getting damaged by fallen lumber."

Dr. Limmy stared at him like he was mad. "But... but... whats this stuff coming out of the spikes?"

"Oh, that? Snake venom mixed with corrosive acid."

In the small silence that followed, Steve's tinkering and a bird singing could be heard.

"Acid. And snake venom."

"Yup. Mixed, of course."

Dr. Limmy threw up his hands. "Ok, I can't wait. Why those?"

"Well, we had quite a bit of it in boxes and we weren't using it so I figured, hey, I bet this stuff will melt snow and burn through the lumber quick, why not?"

Dr. Limmy looked at the plow, then back to Dr. Moopface, then back to the plow. It looked like someone took a plow, grabbed a saw, and then put the saw back down and took the plow into the very bowels of Hell, wher Lucifer worked night and day to create the ultimate destroyer of man. In a bad mood.

"Snow."

"Oh, absolutely. Snow can really slow these things dow-"

"Dr. Moopface, doesn't it occur to you that the drivers will use the plow to just run people over?"

Dr. Moopface laughed. "Yeah, right. 'Run them over'. you're a real class act, Dr. Limmy."

"Dr. Moopface, you gave it spikes with acid and venom and made it invisible! On the fastest tank in the world! And you think they're going to believe for a second that its for SNOW?"

"Well, of course. What driver in his right mind would use it for anything else? You've got some odd thoughts in your head, Dr. Limmy."

"Dr. Moopface, you are an abso-" Dr. Limmy trailed off, glanced at the plow, and then back to the doctor. "...solutely correct person. You're right. What was I thinking? No driver would just run people over. you're right. I'm going to... um... go... over there and... do... that thing... I said I was going to do... which is not at all related with what we're talking about. At all."

"Ok. Have fun, Dr. Limmy."

"Yeah. Fun. Yeah."

Many hours later, in the Hart shuttle building, a few Vanu soldiers were huddles around the bullitine board. On it was a sheet of paper that read:

"NEW TANK UNVEILED!

The Vanu sovereignty has a new weapon in our struggle for technological superiority. Please attend the seminar regarding the Magrider and its effect on your fighting.

Also, be sure to attend Dr. Limmy's seminar, 'The Ramrider: Why guns are for sissies' directly afterwards."

[Jarlo]

:(

The magrider is the only reason I regret leaving VS in my past. I love that thing.

[Stimulate]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :clap: :clap:

[Tryndamere]

The Magmower is so cheap! I swear I jump out of the way and down a hill and the thing still kills me as it drives past 10 seconds later.

[Frozen-Monkey]

this is the greatest thing since cherry pie (i hate cherry pie):D