I'm Bored, again, He's a few jokes

[Flammey]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains"!!!....
And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows"

---------------------------------------

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

--------------------------------------------------

Two Guys in a Supermarket

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm tits, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

[Flammey]

A Scotsman and an Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me," says the genie.

The Englishman thinks then wishes: "I believe in an england for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scotsmen coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England to keep English in and the Scots out."

POOF! and it's done.

The Scotsman thinks.

"Genie?" he finally says, "tell me about this wall."

"Well," says the genie, "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, and nothing can get in and nothing can get out."

"Ok," says the Scotsman, "Fill it with water."

--------------------------------------------

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guiness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow," the guy said,"that's awesome!"
The demon continued, "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."
"You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

-----------------------------------------

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engine starts up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin - but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You kno, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

[Flammey]

Osama bin Laden dies and tries to go to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Osama must go to hell.

So, Osama goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Osama notices that he has left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem! I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Osama bin Laden has been in hell no more than ten minutes, and we're already getting refugees!"

-----------------------------------------

Ole, Sven and Lars were sitting around naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. Sven pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The other two looked at him questioningly. "Dat vas my new pager," he said. "I've got one of dem microchips under da skin of my arm."

A few seconds later a phone rang. Lars popped his hand open, lifted it to the side of his head and proceeded to talk into his palm while keeping one finger to his ear. When he finshed, he slapped his knee with his hand and explained, "Dat vas my new cell phone. Da microphone is on da microchip under the skin on da palm of my hand, and da speaker is right here in dis finger!"

Now, Ole was feeling a bit behind the times. he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned, there was a rather long piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt. Sven and Lars raised their eyebrows and stared at him. Ole looked back and exclaimed, "Vell, vould you look at dat. I'm getting a fax..."

------------------------------------

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitues. Want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitues, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Flammey]

*bump* Oopsie, did I do that?

[EineBeBoP]

Dunno why nobodys replied.

Lol not bad man. :)

[TekDragon]

Got a whole bunch of jokes. They all have the same theme, see if you can figure it out :P

Ill start off with my favorite:

-----------------

What do you do if you see 90,000,000 dead french-men?

Stop laughing and re-load!!

----------------

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

-----------

Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?

Because she has only one arm raised.

------------

What features come standard in French tanks?

1. 5 speeds. 4 in reverse and 1 in forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

2. A rear view mirror. To watch the war.

-------------

How do you separate the men from the boys in France?

With a crowbar.

--------------

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
-General George S. Patton

--------------

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France.

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

-----------------

American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?"
Frenchman: "No."
American: "You're Welcome!

------------------

Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*?

Because you'll never see it in battle.

-------------

A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.

-------------

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The French Army.

--------------

How many jokes are there about the French?

One, the rest are true

[TekDragon]

http://www.kissmyfrance.com/images/HelpAgain11.jpg
http://www.kissmyfrance.com/images/proudfrenchmoment.jpg

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
--Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

[GonePostal]

Roffle

those are pretty good


edit: i take it your not french, tek?

[TekDragon]

Originally posted by GonePostal
edit: i take it your not french, tek?

I joined the US Military and requested a Germany station. Im hoping the germans invade france again and this time I want to make sure they finish the job.

[Zodiac]

Originally posted by TekDragon
I joined the US Military and requested a Germany station. Im hoping the germans invade france again and this time I want to make sure they finish the job.

:rock: hell yea, im there

[Mr1337Duck]

:rock: :rock: Rock on, Tek! What branch are you in?

[firecrackerNC]

LMAO nice one guys

[Onizuka]

Originally posted by TekDragon
I joined the US Military and requested a Germany station. Im hoping the germans invade france again and this time I want to make sure they finish the job.

Fine by me :)

[EineBeBoP]

Tek is still around? :wave:

[Onizuka]

Originally posted by EineBeBoP
Tek is still around? :wave:

remove that smiley :mad: :p jk

[ObnoxiousFrog]

Someone set up us the pothead!

[EnorganiK]

"I found a handicap guy trying to park in one of our parking spots...so I kicked his ass!"

[Squeeky]

Those we're pretty good

[Flammey]

*bump* *Falls on the floor and shatters*

Damn, that was my only one too.

Sorry, I don't have anymore jokes yet. When I get more, I'll add them.....

[TekDragon]

Originally posted by EineBeBoP
Tek is still around? :wave:

Hamma warned me.. and i didn't listen. This damned site just keeps pulling you back. :mad:

:love:

[WildEagle]

Originally posted by TekDragon
I joined the US Military and requested a Germany station. Im hoping the germans invade france again and this time I want to make sure they finish the job. do the french play ps caause all the american players would destroy them.:D

[Flammey]

I just found this in another thread, and I thought it was hilarious, so I have to post it here....


http://funnyjunk.com/v.php?id=41155&p=1284708

[GonePostal]

Originally posted by TekDragon
Hamma warned me.. and i didn't listen. This damned site just keeps pulling you back. :mad:

:love:


aye

and flammey what the hell was thAT!!!!11!

[Flammey]

Originally posted by GonePostal
aye

and flammey what the hell was thAT!!!!11!


Uh, was suppose to be a Flash of Smurfs, and a joke. I'm told it didn't work too well for some people. Most unfortunate, as I thought it was hilarious. You can try going to another thread, labeled as Hot women, or something like that. Look for the picture of smurfs, near one of the last pages. The link to the Smurf's Lost Episode is there.....

[Flammey]

FISH STORY...

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really?" Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutcher her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch
for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no! It's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You fuckers are my kind of people."

[Flammey]

*Bumpty bumpty bump* Ciabola. *Bumpty bumpty bump* Ciabola.


*No, I'm not nuts, It's from Stephen King's The Stand

[Flammey]

I found this in a different thread. It didn't work when I posted it earlier, so I'll try again.....

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/smurf.htm

[Flammey]

I'll think of some more real soon.


In the meantime, here's a url to some priceless images......

Priceless (http://funnyjunk.com/pages/priceless.htm)

And how about a glass of wine a day???

Glass of Wine (http://funnyjunk.com/p/0507.jpg)

And how about FORBIDDEN love?

Forbidden love (http://funnyjunk.com/p/0381.jpg)

[Flammey]

Ohhh, look at the Girly Soccer players....

Girly Soccer Players (http://funnyjunk.com/p/poofs2.jpg)


Not going anywhere for a while???

Snickers, really satisfies. (http://funnyjunk.com/p/0331.gif)


EVERYONE, Back to work...

Working (http://funnyjunk.com/p/cotton.jpg)

WTF??

WTF??? (http://funnyjunk.com/p/wtfcat.jpg)

[Flammey]

Need an Ebonics lesson?

Learn Ebonics (http://funnyjunk.com/pages/ebonics.htm)


Learn your ABC's

ABC's (http://funnyjunk.com/pages/abc.htm)

A plea from Kows across America

PLEA (http://funnyjunk.com/p/0050.jpg)

[GonePostal]

woah dude settle down now

[simba]

very nice jokes :)

[Flammey]

Sorry, I get bored at work Easy.

[simba]

no more jokes? I dont know any

[Flammey]

Who mows the grass?

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, kicked
back, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The
neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened RayBan Sunglasses and stared directly
at this nosey bitch and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she
cuts the grass".

--------------------------------------------------

The rabbi


There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, Screw the rabbi!"

----------------------------------

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed squealing with delight. Her husband watches her a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

-----------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local super market where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

--------------------------------------

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well......There's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

-----------------------------------------

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bras."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman, and your brother."

[Flammey]

*Another Shameless attempt at bumpaging*

[Flammey]

Originally posted by Flammey
*Another Shameless attempt at bumpaging SPOONS and KITTENS*

[GonePostal]

ill help


warning dead baby jokes

Q:whats worse than 10 dead babys nailed to 10 trees?

A: 1 baby nailed to 10 trees

Q: how do you fit 100 dead babys into a bathtub

A: a blender

Q: how do you get them out

A: DORITOS!!

[Flammey]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

-----------------------------------------------

Bulletin:

We have just been informed that Arabs do not like to be called
"towelheads."

The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.

Effective immediately, please call them "little sheet heads."

Thank you for your cooperation.

------------------------------------------------

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side
of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said
he was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing
here alone?"
"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."

--------------------------------------------------

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life
that when she married she was to please her
husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young
Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love,
stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes,and
accidentally lets out a big fart. She looked up and
said:
Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."

[Flammey]

boo

[Spider]

A Zoophile, a pyromaniac, a serial killer, a necrophile and a sado-mazochist are sitting on a park and bench when the Zoophile says:

''Let's catch a cat and fuck it!''

The pyro says:

''Yes! Yes! Let's catch it and light it on fire''

The killer:

''Then while it's on fire let's kill it slowly''

Necrophile:

''OHHH then we can fuck it again!''

Sado-mazochist:

''Meow!''

[simba]

:rofl:
wait isnt this thread like 2 months old?

[ZeusCali]

What Two countries fill up all the member slots in The NC army?
America
and
France
What is the most looked up word in the NC survival guide?
Civil War
In Case of VS attack what is a NC soldier Most likely to say?
A)F*ck*n Barney!
B)ZERG!
C)God Save The Queen!
D)And The French Go Marching on...
What is The Likelyness That playing An NC Grunt You've Been Saved By a French medic/grunt/Pilot
80%
and an American?
15%
Whats the likelyness that the retreating Reaver that saw a Reaver and a Mosquito approach is French Or American?
10%
Anyother Country?
90%
In the NC army what are there 2 strongest points
1. Teamwork
2. They don't know they guy next to them is french/american

Conclusion WildEagle You just made fun of you outfit's members are you proud of yourself?

[ZeusCali]

What Two Things Do NC Fight For most of all?
Freedom by Assault(american)
Freedom By Negociations(French)
conclusions two sides of the same coin
Cat cant catch its tail half the time do you think the heads part of a coin can kick the tails part of a coin's ass? because the ass of the opposite side of the coin ... is you.

[DramaticFanatic]

Flammey's jokes were good. However, I thought the rascist jokes were uncivil.

[ZeusCali]

whoa 45 sec per post okay guess i have to hit edit GRRR

Okay I Feel Ignored!!!! was what i wanted to say thats all good bye
:bang:

[Happy lil Elf]

I'm confused. Where those supposed to be jokes, Zeus?

[Hamma]

I think they are supposed to be spam.

[Happy lil Elf]

Never cared much for Spam. It tastes funny :sick:

[Flammey]

When I go back to work Wednesday, I'll find a few more jokes for you people. I'm sure of it.

[ZeusCali]

seeing as i cannot edit again to my post above i will say it here:
That was not spam it was just stating that every one ignored my post on here before had in which i had writen about freedom and such

[Happy lil Elf]

Umm Zeus? NC's motto is freedom through force. There are no negotiations. Not only that but why are you comparing political views of various countries to the NC in a thread that is essentially for people to post jokes on?

[ZeusCali]

because you guys started getting into Political attacks on france

[GonePostal]

but france, sucks

[arctik]

but france, sucks

[Flammey]

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

[Flammey]

Two women friends, incredibly drunk were walking home and had to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they take a detour
and do their business behind a headstone or something. One of the girls had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then chuck them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves so she proceeded to use that. They both stumbled off home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing" said the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass cheeks that said 'from all the boys at the firestation. We'll never forget you'."

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Never hold your farts in...........they travel up your spine............into your brain........... and that's where you get shitty ideas from!

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

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A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said; "Look, I've got to tell you first, that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this for a moment, but decided she wanted the parrot, anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: that's not so bad.
When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird saw them and said; "New house, new madam,new girls."
The girls and their Mother were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said; "Hi, Keith."

[Flammey]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with
it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."

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AS I'VE MATURED...

...I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.
...I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
...I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
...I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
...I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
...I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. They are more
screwed up than you think.
...I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
...I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
...I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.
...I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real
pains in the ass are permanent.

[Flammey]

Can't find anymore than those few. I'll have to keep searching.

[Mango]

dead baby jokes never get old!

[Flammey]

I'll try to find more, real soon.

[Flammey]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan,
how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle

[Flammey]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady
80 years old sitting on a park bench near
J. C. Penny and she was sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning and then gets
up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit
and freshly ground, brewed coffee.
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and
my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half
the afternoon."
I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal
with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love
to me until 2:00 am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!