The Official Joke Thread

[FraudulentBob]

*This thread may contain offensive material unsuitable for younger children, parental discretion advised*

Now post your most funny and obscene jokes, I could use a laugh or two during the day.

:evil:

[Squeeky]

Umm, there was already like 2 or 3 of these.

http://www.planetside-universe.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11917&highlight=joke

http://www.planetside-universe.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4227&highlight=joke

[simba]

never hurts with a few jokes, and theres plenty of em
ill edit in them when I find some.

[Ait'al]

Two forums walk into a bar one says the the other that porn site keeps looking at me and playing with herself. What do you think i should do. The other forum say" that porn site keeps looking at me and playing with herself. What do you think i should do" both go on untill they both go up to the porn site and ask her for a date.
Of course the porn sites finishes and leaves the bar.

The lesson: forums can make noise but cant hear you. :doh:

Edit: forums can make noise but they cant be heard.

[FraudulentBob]

Guy fngering his girlfriend on her period, police officer taps on window, he promptly sticks his fingers in his mouth and says "eating pizza".

O_O

[Dharkbayne]

Knock, Knock
Who�s there?
I know it was you.
Crap.

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can�t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can�t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra�

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I�m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
You sure you don�t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I�m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean� Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it�s for you!

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don�t hit me! Don�t hit me!

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn�t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting�
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? �HEIL ME!� Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You�re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You�d think I miss it, but I don�t

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes. .

[Lexington_Steele]

Whats the difference between a Musician and a Pizza?

A pizza can feed a 4 person family.

[Squeeky]

Lexington, it's actually

"What's the difference between a typical black male, and a pizza...........a pizza can feed a 4 person family".

[Dharkbayne]

Questions Not to Ask

IRELAND
�Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?�

FRANCE
�Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren�t the French just Germans who can make sauces?�

ITALY
�Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O�s! �

POLAND
�Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?�

GERMANY
�Is this bratwurst kosher?�

TURKEY
�Where�s the hash at? It�s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?�

KOREA
�Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?�

CHINA
�This wall isn�t so great.�

ENGLAND
�Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?�

SWEDEN
�Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?�

YEMEN
�Yemen? That�s a stupid name for a country. What�s it mean -- �Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?�

INDIA
�You don�t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?�

ETHIOPIA
�After a long day of travel, I�m famished. Hey � those flies sure love your pregnant son!�

CANADA
�You�re like Americans without money.�

SPAIN
�So, this is the country that�s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?�

SOUTH AFRICA
�I liked it better the other way.�

MEXICO
�What's that smell?�

SAUDI ARABIA
�Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?�

RUSSIA
�Is it always this cold and economically devastated?�

UZBEKISTAN
�Can you spell Uzbekistan?�

GREECE
�I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
�Seriously, where is the real country� where is everything?�

JAPAN
�What�s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?�

AUSTRALIA
�How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?�

AMERICA
�Was John Wayne gay?�

[Lexington_Steele]

Lexington, it's actually

"What's the difference between a typical black male, and a pizza...........a pizza can feed a 4 person family".
How are you going to tell me how my joke goes? :confused:

[Dharkbayne]

Highbrow Genital Jokes

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA!
My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!

My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!

If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.

My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!

My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes!

A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!

My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!

My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!

If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!

Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."

My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!

Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!

So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!

My genitals are comparable to Harvard University�s endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.

[Dharkbayne]

Definitely

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[FraudulentBob]

ROFL, keep 'em coming.

[Dharkbayne]

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

[Dharkbayne]

Star Dreck

Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprises' toilet?
A: The Captain's log.

poopy jokes rock, lol

[Dharkbayne]

A Hooker and a Bungee Jump

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

[Dharkbayne]

Baby Drink

How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.

[Ait'al]

JAPAN
�What�s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?�

Dark, there is a sushi called Hiroshima.

[Dharkbayne]

Comedy Central's Alleged Humor

Season's Beatings

There's gotta be a better way to spend December.

Let's face it: once you're old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas loses some of its magic. Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn't any "bah, humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your celebration of this holiday season.

* Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon.

* Fill a pair of galoshes with cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the morning to look for Santa's little curds-slathered footprints.

* Get rid of your Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia Christ!

* Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel.

* Attend Midnight Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the savior".

* Carve stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I was going to ask you freaks the same thing."

* Dress up like an elf, go to a playground, and collect lunch money from kids to "pay for Santa's chemotherapy". Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds.

* Find out exactly how many cups of spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head.

* Eat Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like "ripe ass".

* Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy".

* Get the crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging strangers on the street.

* Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "***** flying reindeer".

* Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks you're "gay for gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something else "cooking in the oven".

* Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that transform into robotic tarantulas.

* Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters, 6am 'til Noon.

[Dharkbayne]

JAPAN
�What�s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?�

Dark, there is a sushi called Hiroshima.

I hardly even read these, I just stole them off a website, :)

[Dharkbayne]

50 Ways To Say �I Love You�

1. �If my heart were a baked potato, I�d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.�
2. �Your terrible personality isn�t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it�s not as terrible as everyone says.�

3. �I�d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.�

4. �I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.�

5. �The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, �I�m the same way when you don�t call when you say you will.�

6. �I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn�t run screaming. So there.�

7. �Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.�

8. �Umm� like� you and me? Yeah. You and me.�

9. �You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.�

10. �You are the hole in my donut.�

11. �I am the pork, you are the beans.�

12. �You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.�

13. �You are my personal parachute.�

14. �If you were a margarita, I�d drink you by the bucket.�

15. �I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.�

16. �If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I�d lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.�

17. �I don�t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.�

18. �I�ll still want to have sex with you even when you�re old, fat, and ugly.�

19. �You had me at �Stop following me�.�

20. �Your farts smell like vanilla.�

21. �We�re a two person chain gang.�

22. ��I am valedictorian of the University of You.�

23. �If you needed a kidney transplant, I�d also throw in a bonus lung.�

24. �The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.�

25. �You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.�

26. �While you�re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.�

27. �You suck! So good.�

28. �If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I�d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.�

29. �When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That�s like you.�

30. �We are totally codependent and I don�t want it any other way.�

31. �This is the �happily ever after� part of the damn fairy tale, dig?�

32. �If you were a handful of genital crabs, I�d never change my underwear.�

33. �I�m not saying we shouldn�t see other people. I�m just saying I�ll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.�

34. �I am your blank check. Don�t bounce me.�

35. �Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.�

36. �If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, I�d feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.�

37. �If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then I�d be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.�

38. �You�re such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let�s forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.�

39. �If I was smart, I�d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.�

40. �Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper� I�d also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.�

41. I wrote you a poem: �You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you�re the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I don�t get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.�

42. �I�m a grown up and just face the facts that you�re my security blanket.�

43. �You don�t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Let�s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.�

44. �Not only would I die for you, I�d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.�

45.�Look: you�re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I�ll clean my shotgun.�

46. �I�m a junky for your instant messages.�

47. �I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn�t that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.�

48. �You�re my best and only naked friend.�

49. �I�d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.�

50. �Let�s set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow� wasn�t that just like lame movie Reality Bites? You�ve never seen it? It�s awesome� in a totally stupid way.�

[Dharkbayne]

Capon Fear

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
Far from being a proverbial chicken, this deeply disturbed fowl suffered from chronic depression and social anxiety disorder, usually treated with a combination therapy of Luvox and Paxil.

[Dharkbayne]

Coke Ain't No Joke

W a t e r
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

C o k e
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. Check it out.

For Your Info :
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?

[Dharkbayne]

Funny Apple

Q: What did the apple say to the orange?
A: I despise you for being different from me.

[Dharkbayne]

Johnny Big Head

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

[simba]

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?
Coke>* hands down