Joke Thread!

[Fragmatic]

Righto, long one to start it off... tally ho!

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.' After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Lancelot.

'Sir Lancelot,' exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But Sir Lancelot was speechless...

[ViperGTS]

Errrrrrr.....I dont get it.

[ultraviolet]

Ohh, man, that's good.

(Viper - instead of his penii, Lancelot was gonna use his tongue... so now he's speechless.)

[Corrosion]

Ohh, man, that's good.

[Dharkbayne]

Lolllersk8z

[sutserikeru]

:lol:

[Gigabein]

(Pardon my bad taste for this one!)
How do you know when it's bed-time at Michael Jackson's house?

...

...

...

When the big hand is on the little hand.

[sutserikeru]

watch out, he might molest you! :rofl:

[Gigabein]

So a blond walks into a building... and you think she would have seen it in time.

[Fragmatic]

Ohh, man, that's good.

(Viper - instead of his penii, Lancelot was gonna use his tongue... so now he's speechless.)

He has MORE THAN ONE?

Anyway, the words "fish taco" come to mind! :p

Yeah, a blind man walks into a bar
"ouch" he says

[TheRagingGerbil]

Whoa! :eek:

[Searo]

A blond, a redhead, a brunette, a lawyer, a doctor, a nun, a rabbi, a priest, and a drunk walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[Gigabein]

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better broom grip.

[Fragmatic]

:lol:

[firecrackerNC]

Righto, long one to start it off... tally ho!

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.' After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Lancelot.

'Sir Lancelot,' exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But Sir Lancelot was speechless...


thats actually really kind of old cept when I heard it,it had a farm,3 guys,a father and a girl involved and I heard it years ago

[Corrosion]

:rofl: at all of em

[Flammey]

Nature

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
__________________________________________________ ______________________
Presidential Campaign

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."
Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play PRESIDENT!"

__________________________________________________ ______________________
Santa and the Police Officer

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike", the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep", the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of
it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top
__________________________________________________ _____________________
63 and pregnant

A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs.Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Freezer burn

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

[Flammey]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you
as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by
the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read
as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being
the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up. -Your Wife"

[martyr]

cue the dead baby jokes!


what's worse than a dead baby in the corner?
.
.
.
.
.
the same dead baby, six weeks later.

[Ait'al]

UV
Ohh, man, that's good.

(Viper - instead of his penii, Lancelot was gonna use his tongue... so now he's speechless.)
Its penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! :brow: Bad movie quote! Does this count! 8)

And dont make me prove it! *shakes fist in contempt!* Cause ill shake more than that!. 8p

Im going for physical gag! And now a pun. 8D


And since were on the subject hows this . 8) PSU: PnS&U

I put a few variations inlcuding one like the end of a cheerleader chant. Think it will get accepted. ?8)

[SDM]

How do you kill a retard?
.
.
.
.
.
Give him a knife and ask him who's special.


:rolleyes:


MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

[Ait'al]

BBBOOOO!!!! thats like 10 years old man 8) lol

[martyr]

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.
actually GM is starting to use Microsoft software in their cars.

http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,110496,00.asp

http://news.com.com/2100-1003-999840.html

[Ait'al]

That was real man! lol


Back in the day!... sorta back in the day. The windows 95 years as you can tell by teh reference. 8)

[SDM]

Old yes, but still funny. Well screw you guys heres one :p


A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her ass.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her ass and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting."

[martyr]

haha, gus

ok, more of mine:

what's worse than 6 dead babies in a trash can?
.
.
.
.
one dead baby.

in six trash cans.

[SDM]

Whats grosser than a dumptruck full of dead babies?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The one live one trying to eat its way out.:huh:

[ultraviolet]

This thread has severely degraded quickly. Dead baby jokes make me want to cry. :tear:

No, I don't have a joke to contribute, sorry. I just have boobies. ;)

[SDM]

For UV:

Q. What�s the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
A. You can�t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Q. How do you make a dead baby float?
A. 2 scoops ice cream; 1 scoop dead baby

Or

Q. How can you fit 5 dead babies into a jar?
A. With a blender.

Q. How do you get them out?
A. With a straw.

Or even

Q. Whats blue, 16 inches long, and makes women cry?
A. Crib Death.


:evil:

[ultraviolet]

:cries:

don't make me bust out the nasty tampon and condom jokes!!

[martyr]

hah, the last one is bad indeed.

otherwise, dead baby jokes RULE

[SDM]

do

it,

do

it

NOW

:)

This thread needs more tampon jokes.

[martyr]

i refuse to illustrate any of them, if that's what you mean.

[SDM]

i refuse to illustrate any of them, if that's what you mean.
Thats not what I meant, but what an excellent idea!

[Ait'al]

OOOOHHH i want to hear a tampon and condom joke! 8p

[ultraviolet]

okay, okay, i'll do the condom one i remember... but it's bad.

Boyfriend and girlfriend are having [safe] sex. They finish, and the guy throws the condom out the window.
She says, "wtf, I want to have sex again and that was our last one. GO GET IT."
Guy (being pussy-whipped, of course), says "yes dear," and heads out the door to go get it. Unfortunately, he sees a little boy holding it. "Hey, kid, can I please have that? It's mine."
"Sure," the kid says, handing it to the guy. The guy leaves and the kid goes home. Upon returning inside he says, "Mommy, mommy! I found some guy's twinkie and he wanted it back but I sucked out all the cream before I gave it back to him!!"

----------------
This is a sexual joke, not a tampon joke.

Mommy and Daddy put little Joey to sleep, and then they head to their bedroom to have a little fun. The door opens; they don't hear it. Little Joey yells, "that's it, Mom, no more yelling at me for sucking my thumb!"

[Gigabein]

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

[Fragmatic]

http://www.planetsideimages.com/uploads/fragshirtninja.jpg

I am a joke :p

[Triggar]

A blonde guy and a brunette guy are having drinks on the 100th floor of a building in New York. The blonde guy looks at the brunette in amazement as the brunette pounds a shot of vodka, then walks to the window, jumps out, and comes back to the bar minutes later to repeat the spectacle. After witnessing this freakshow three or four times, the blonde man speaks up.

"Excuse me sir, how is it that you're able to jump out that window and return to this bar, unharmed?"

The brunette replies, "Easy. Whenever I take a shot of vodka, it makes me land safely. Here, try!"

So the brunette man buys the blonde man a shot of vodka. The blonde does the shot, walks over to the window, jumps out, and dies.

The bartender walks over to the brunette and says, "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

[Ait'al]

The INN:

The results of a long awaited poll came in today. In the news breif, a questioned was asked on how the poll came out. The Official responded: "It didnt say anything, it just brought up a few questions!"

An abortion clinic said today on there yearly report to the American Clinical Association for The Protection of Human Rights, "We are going broke because we dont have enough clients, our birth rate in this part of the country is the lowest in two decades!!" The ACAPHR replied excitedly, "It seems our agenda on birth control has been an overwhelming success!". Our Poll results were too low to confirm these veiws.

This has been a special report by the INN. The Interpretive News Network! Copyright.

[Manitou]

A rather finicky man strolled into the local pub and made his way to the bar. Catching the attention of the bartender, he orders a drink. He makes it known to the bartender that he is a very selective drinker and only drinks 30 year scotch. The bartender nods and heads to the back.

When the bartender gets in the back, he scratches his head and grumbles to himself, "The 30 years scotch is all the way in the basement! I am not going all the way down there!" He grabs some 10 year scotch and brings it out to the picky customer.

The man promptly takes a sip of the liquid and swirls it around in his mouth. His face scrunches up and he spits the scotch on the bar. "That crap is 10 year scotch!! I know my scotch, now get me my 30 year scotch!" he bellows at the startled bartender. The bartender hurries off to the back again to get the man his scotch.

When the bartender gets in the back again, he still doesn't want to go all the way to the basement, so he grabs the 20 year scotch. Bringing it out, he pours the pouting customer a shot. The man picks up the shot glass and sips it delicately, again, spitting the offensive drink on the bar. "This is 20 year scotch! If I have to tell you again that I want 30 year scotch, I will climb over this bar!" he shouts at the hapless bartender.

Standing in the back again, the bartender finally gives in and tromps all the way to the basement and gets the man his 30 year scotch. He brings it up and pours the grumbling customer a shot. The man downs the liquid and a smile breaks out on his face, "Now that is 30 year old scotch!!".

At the end of the bar an old drunk has been sitting there watching the whole episode. He slides his shot glass down to the man and slurs, "If you're sssso good with your drink, drink shome of thisss..." The man takes the shot glass and drinks it down. He immediately starts gagging and chokes out "That was PISS!"

The old drunk replies with a smile, "I know that! But tell me how old I am dammit!"

:D

[ViperGTS]

Ohh, man, that's good.

(Viper - instead of his penii, Lancelot was gonna use his tongue... so now he's speechless.)
OH! :rofl: