My Review

[Jaged]

I recently got a school assignment to give a speech to try to sell something. Naturaly, I chose PS. If anyone is willing to take the time, I would love it if you could read it and tell me what you think. Did I leave anything out? Is some of the info incorrect? Do you have any suggestions on the writing itself? Please remember that my audience has probably never heard of PS before. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks anot!


Just imagine being thrust a into futuristic world in the midst of a gigantic civil war, a world where three empires are struggling for political dominance over each other. This is the experience you get in the computer game called PlanetSide.
PlanetSide is an MMOFPS or massively multiplayer online first person shooter. The first of its kind. This means that it is a first person shooter that takes place in a huge persistent world were there are no loading screens, and no games to join from a list. A ferst person shooter is a game where you run around in a first person perspective with a gun shooting anything you see. When you log in you join a gigantic battle raging across 10 continents going on 24/7. No other games like this have ever been created. Like I said, it will be the first of its kind.
PlanetSide puts you in control of a soldier in one of three empires, the Terran Republic, the Vanu Sovereignty, or the New Conglomerate. Each empire has its own beliefs, fighting styles, and equipment.
PlanetSide boasts a wide array of exciting features. For quick transportation and exciting combat, you can hop in any number of vehicles, including aircraft, tanks, buggies and transports. This game is player skill driven rather than character skill driven. This means that Someone who is just starting out is on an equal playing field with a veteran. You do however get access to more weapons vehicles and abilities with combat experience. How well you do with this equipment is based on your skills as a person. In PlanetSide, you don't have to worry about your own team members killing you. An excellent system is in place to prevent just this with a variety of penalties including banning.
Some may ask, why would I pay a monthly fee to play this game when I can play other similar games without the monthly fee. The truth is, those games don?t even come close the scale of PlanetSide. All those other games aren't ?persistent world?. A ?persistent world? game is a game that takes place in a world that is the same from day to day. The server never resets, and you never have to choose a game from a list. The battle is raging 24/7.
This game is not yet available in stores. It is scheduled for release at the end of March. I am very excited about this game and you should be to. PlanetSide promises to bring a new and exciting experience to the world of PC gaming. For more information on Planetside, visit www.planetside.com.

OK, I edited it and took out the paragraph on story and explained newbei and firts person shooter

[afex]

chances are high that your teacher and many of the students in your class (middle school? high school freshman?) will have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

all the game specific terms, online slang, etc that you are familiar with will be meaningless to the person thats grading it.

that = points off.

target audience is a very important factor in writing.

if i were you i'd change the subject to secure your chances for a good grade.

[Jaged]

Thanks for your ideas, but I thought I pretty much explained all the internet terms. If you diddn't read the paper, than I don't think this applies. But if you did read the paper and found some things that someone might not understand, than please point them out. I realy wanna do this as my topic, so i am trying to make it as non computer user friendly as possible.

[TGF NightHawk]

Auraxis...the planet bro!!;)

[Ludio]

I took a speech class last year and I did some speeches on gaming topics. It was a bit akward subject wise, but as long as you have a good persuasive speech it doesn't matter too much.

You should make it more newbie friendly though, because your target audience is clueless. Another thing to point out is that you can take out that paragraph on the story. If it were an informative speech it would be important, but as a persuasive you don't need it and it detracts from the sales pitch.

Try and show how this game is for everyone, the guys in the class will probably like it, but the girls are always tough/immpossible (at least for FPS).

[Revolution]

I give it a good rating. IMO.

Maybe you would want to write up a terms dictionary, to explain to the lower bitter or non gamers what some things mean.

But I looked at it like I was Joe Gamer and knew the world of MMOG's. So in that sense it is good to me. But, I understand Afex's points.

Now here is mine:
How many people bought a new car not knowing jack. Actually talking to telemarketers, etc.......... Take that into consideration. First new car I bought was a '96 Saturn SL2 fully loaded. What a rip in APR for me. Still, it was a great car and I recommend Saturn as a whole in quality and technology.

IMO even through college I did not really care what people thought I would make my projects how I wanted them and the best that I could do even if the teacher or students did not like them or even understand them(Yes my major was english :rolleyes: )(cough *BS* cough) I still got a good grade. But maybe it was just me.

So I say you just put your best effort into it and make it the best when you read it. And screw the rest of them if they dont agree, there are always going to be people who dont, ALWAYS. Sort of like, people Flaming? Same difference. If you are happy with it, then keep it. If you are not happy with it, then change it. Unless its a project that means you pass or fail a class, and you have to BS, I'd say roll with it and make it great for you. Sell Yourself, in other words, on PS.

Thats my opinion.

[Ludio]

Revolution is right, the reason why I like to write about game related things is because it is so much fun for me. One time I had to do a short story and did a narration of capping the flag in TFC, the teacher didn't understand it at all and gave me a mediocre grade, but it was the best project I did that whole year.

[Sputty]

If you're going to use tht speech I hope you know what your status in youe school is. BTW, don't let any hgih school or younger students know anything about you or they will surely use that against you some day.

[Bighoss]

the best thing to do for projects like this is to make up a dream product. That's what I do for all these essays they give me that are like who is your hero and why? I just go on and on about this amazing person that could never exist. When your doing a project don't let personal interests intervein unless its sports.

[Revolution]

Sorry Hoss, but..........

:huh:

[afex]

you'll get a higher score writing about something else

[Lexington_Steele]

Originally posted by afex
you'll get a higher score writing about something else
yes

[Tobias]

For the product you are trying to sell, try and sell a vibrating Dildo, and offer to show how it works with the assistance of one of the hotter girls in the class. That would be funny, but might cut short your stay at that school.

[Lexington_Steele]

Originally posted by Tobias
For the product you are trying to sell, try and sell a vibrating Dildo, and offer to show how it works with the assistance of one of the hotter girls in the class. That would be funny, but might cut short your stay at that school.
How about the Hello Kitty vibrator. ;)

[Tobias]

Originally posted by Lexington_Steele
How about the Hello Kitty vibrator. ;)

That such a thing even egisists disterbs me.

[Lexington_Steele]

Originally posted by Tobias
That such a thing even egisists disterbs me.
You know you have one. :p

[Revolution]

Originally posted by afex
you'll get a higher score writing about something else

That is most true(Pretty much but shit happens so not 100% true) but I never took that shit into consideration. If I liked it, its what I would turn in.

P.S. If its College NM what I say if your BA depends on it. If is High School or lower, do what your heart likes. (But I did the same thing in college)(I didnt give a flying F to UCK what they thought) Did what I felt was meaningfull and put my heart into it. My business teachers hated me sometimes......with a passion......But hey! I am Me and this is what I spent a lot of time on! (They might laugh just like the term paper on FED EX......LOL) Sorry ass teacher said that was a no go :D ) HAH!!!!

[TheWumpus]

Dude you need to drop to the non-gamer's level. You never actually defined what a "first person shooter" is. You shoot the first person you see? What are you talking about? What's a "newbie"? You are assuming your target audience are "gamers". You will not receive a good score on this paper unless you remove the story content, and try to explain the game AS IF YOU WERE TRYING TO GET YOUR GRANDMOTHER INTERESTED IN PLANETSIDE (you are aren't you?)

[Jaged]

OK, I edited it and took out the paragraph on story and explained newbei and firts person shooter. Thanks for all your thought so far, but keep em comin'. BTW, that vibrating dildo idea is great! I would love to do the demonstration. :D :D :D :D I can just see my teachers face.
:jawdrop:

[Bighoss]

this isn't the best product for a report. Make up the product like some mirracle drug that makes u perfect. Its easy to write and speak about. I'm not sure if your reputation means anything to you but if it does this might not be a product you would want consider doing a project on. (note this is not an insult or troll please don't get pissed :( ) its also easier if you do a product that most people are familiar with. It will be hard to pull these people out of the dark in a small presentation. Since your trying to sell something to somone try being clever. That's why I remeber all the TV adds I see because their funny;)

[Jaged]

I dont get it? Why does everyone say not to do this speech because it will ruin my reputation? Whow will doing it on PS ruin my reputation?

[afex]

its not about your reputation, but about your subject matter.

[Jaged]

Afex, I have decited that i I want to to do this as my speech topic.

[Bighoss]

don't mix school and video games that's all I'm trying to say really

[Jaged]

What kind of things got you excited about PS? If I knew that, that might help.

[Bighoss]

liked the ideas of big worlds thats why ever quest was cool for awhile then I realized it was pushing a button and hoping the imagenary dice roled in my favor. Then I hear their taking a huge world and giving people guns and not swords ! So then I looked into it found out how detailed and good it was gonna be

really do yourself a favor stop doing this thing on planetside. The teacher will think your kinda retarded for the rest of the year. Like this kid in 6th grade that tried to do a presentation on pokemon

[Jaged]

Lol, the teacher already thinks im retarded. Shes a bitch, I don't care what she thinks.

[Bighoss]

she maybe a bitch but she's handing out the grades

[Jaged]

True, but I think I can get a good grade with this topic. After all its something I love. Memorizing it will be easy because I have all the info in my head. I tried for hours to think of something else before PS poped into my head. All my other ideas sucked, trust me.

[afex]

your love for PS will not get you an A.

a good report will.

[Bighoss]

make a product that could never exist because its impossible. Like say it lets u fly. Then u tell the benefeits of flying which I can imagine are many.

[Jaged]

afex: No, but my love of PS will help me make a good report.

Bighoss: I have decided I wanna do it on PS, ok?

[Bighoss]

but everyone will be able to relate to the dream of flying rather than a video game. I would rather fly because then I could...fly:D

[Jaged]

we arnt being very productive here....

[Bighoss]

:thumbsup:

[Hamma]

Dont mind hoss (troll)

[Sputty]

Do it on kittens or hedgehogs or all manner of small mammals!

[Bighoss]

that is not a troll Hamma. Is trolling having a different opinion than the majority? this is not a troll to your definition that u gave me:mad:

[Jaged]

Thats all great..... but the purpose of this thread was to discuss my speech for class.....

[Bighoss]

tell us the grade you got when u get this back. Be honest !!!

[Revolution]

I thought I was being positive about it.

If you dont get an A, Whoopidy Doo! If you have fun on it and think its a good speech, also covering all the basics, its already an A.

I do have an idea. Maybe you could base the game as a Virtual Reality game, and try to sell them on playing PS in a virtual reality simulator. Live the adventure, not just play it on a computer.
"And in conclusion the demo testing phase of Virtual Planetside will be currently available in a PC format, or some shit like that"

[Ludio]

I dont get it? Why does everyone say not to do this speech because it will ruin my reputation? Whow will doing it on PS ruin my reputation?

Depends on where you go to school. At some schools you will be picked on/teased for doing a speech on a videogame. I get the feeling though that you don't go to a school like that (or you don't care).

your love for PS will not get you an A...a good report will.

Again depends on the teacher/school. However the subject matter doesn't make much of a difference for a persuasive speech. It is much better to do something you love because you will be so much more persausive. One important part of speeches is how much you believe in what you are saying. You can do a speech that you don't agree with and still do a good job, but when you do something you already know/love it is that much easier. The speech isn't only the content, it is how well you say it. If you can come across as believing in your topic than that will give you more points than whether the teacher knows about what you are promoting.

A ferst person shooter is a game where you run around in a first person perspective with a gun shooting anything you see.

This does describe what a FPS is, but it doesn't make it sound very appealing, try and make it sound like it's really fun.

For example: First person shooters are a popular game genre where you play from a first person perspective and you can simulate combat with virtual opponents, in this case other players from around the world.

Or something along those lines...(actually mine kinda sucks, make it sound more fun :D )

Also I noticed you talked about stuff like the grief system. This is an appeal to hardcore gamers, but most people will be lost on the concept.

[Revolution]

Thats the reason I had the idea for making it a Virtual Reality game. People will grasp it better if they can imagine, say, what Vietnam would be like for real, or what FF is from the Gulf War (1).

If you put that spin on it I think the people will grasp the concept better.

Image You, a soldier for The TR. Keep an eye on your back, because you will never know when the Enemy will Strike! BOOM you might as well be dead! Watch out, Firefight breaks out, your squad is pinned down! Their only hope is to make a run for it! Guns blazing! Be careful. "Watch your fire! Ahhaahh!" You've just hit one of your own...... A court marshal if your lucky. Death if your not. Or some shit use your imagination, I am not in the writing mood too tired, that is just an example to help you out J, an idea for you to use, expand, or get your mind activated. Or just boring you......

[Jaged]

Now thats getting alot more helpful, thanks. I will try to impliment all or most of those ideas. And ludio, can I use your first person shooter descrpition? Thats better than anything i could come up with.

[Ludio]

Well if you want to go ahead, although I would suggest doing it yourself because it is your speech. As soon as you're finished, update your essay and I'll be happy to help out with any other proof reading.

[Revolution]

Same J, I will help you if you want me to proofread it as well, although I will tell you that if my memory serves me correct I was only a B student in my Speech College class. PM me with it if you do not want to post it, or whatever.


P.S. Use Visuals with your speech. (Pictures, diagrams, etc.(Make a carboard Chaingun and Show em how to use it!LOL) Just like people using body language when they speak, although I cant stand when someone is talking and waving their hands in wierd gestures, but that is just me.:)

[afex]

Originally posted by Revolution
If you dont get an A, Whoopidy Doo! If you have fun on it and think its a good speech, also covering all the basics, its already an A.

thats the thinking thats killing education in todays age. quality is no longer needed, b/c "it's the effort that's important"

you dont go to school to learn how to try, you go to learn how to do.

....i dont look forward to when those kids grow up.

[Revolution]

Originally posted by afex
thats the thinking thats killing education in todays age. quality is no longer needed, b/c "it's the effort that's important"

you dont go to school to learn how to try, you go to learn how to do.

....i dont look forward to when those kids grow up.

I understand your points Afex. I am not disagreeing with them(Or agreeing) at all. I just have my own way of doing things. My Way. But maybe that is why my major was in Business. My teachers always classified me as a controller/taker in LIFO (I think that was the personality test)(Been years)
The point is that he is going to do it on PS, like my last speech in college was on investing in the stock market/investments. Its what I knew(yes thats a good speech but its what I knew. I got stage fright and the only thing that got me a good grade was that I covered all the criteria due to my knowledge. I did the whole speech from scratch in front of the class. As soon as I got up there I lost all my memory of the written speech. But since I knew the topic I pulled it out of my ass and made sense and was good. Dont remember too much think I told them to drop Enron in the beginning of the 21st century :D )

[Ludio]

Thats what I was saying Rev, it is so much easier to do a speech that you know about. I got to use notecards for most of my speeches, but my speech would flow better when I knew the topic because I didn't have to refer to the notecards for everything.

[Revolution]

I agree, but I am trying to be polite to Afex and tell him I think he is wrong. I may only be 29 but I stick to my guns. So I will break away.......

IMO Afex is wrong........WRONG!

WRONG!!!!!!

WRONG!!!!!!!!!(At Least IMO)

But that is my opinion....You got your own.......:mad:

[Hamma]

Everyone has their own opinions. On what should be good and what isnt.

If you want to write about this, go ahead. Its your perogative. If you get a F then you know you should not write about such things again. If you get an A then you know you should write about such things again.

Everyone's got to learn on their own, a bunch of us here on the forums probably wil not change someone's mind.

[Lexington_Steele]

Originally posted by afex
thats the thinking thats killing education in todays age. quality is no longer needed, b/c "it's the effort that's important"

you dont go to school to learn how to try, you go to learn how to do.

Once again I have to agree with Afex, he is on the money.