Tell me what you think?

[Kam]

.

[AztecWarrior]

Very good, though I'd feel a little more than "All right! My friend died! It's warm!"

[ChewyLSB]

Something that I think could be added: the action of the bolt. After the fire of the round, if your character were to work the action of the bolt, it would reinforce the idea that the Russian soldier pictured here is just another mechanical soldier, even after his friend died.

That's just what I would do.

[Kam]

.

[ChewyLSB]

I think if you put it before his realisation of the warmth, it would have the most effect. Just a simple line, "I worked the action of the bolt to chamber the next round", something to that effect. Then, you can have the "Oh, it's warm statement". The warm sensation doesn't necessarily have to come right after it, because I feel that the warm sensation somewhat detracts, yet adds at the same time the sensation that this soldier is becoming a mechanical soldier. That's just my personal opinion.

[Strygun]

Coincidentally, I just wrote a 6 page paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War II (a sequel to my paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War I).

It's an excellent paper.

[Kyonye]

Coincidentally, I just wrote a 6 page paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War II (a sequel to my paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War I).

It's an excellent paper.


so show us it

[Glaynor]

I really like it. I really like it a lot. Your writing style is straightforward and not to wordy, which is a really good thing. The only thing I would do is expand on your concepts a little bit. My wife is a writer and has the same difficulty in her writing as you do (not good word choice really cause it isn't a 'problem'). What I mean by expand on your concepts is to elaborate more on certain things. You say you are a coal miner - expand on that, i.e. "I grew up as a coal miner in Siberia, spending my days and nights in the dark tunnels looking for some coal." You can then go into that later on in your writing at the appropriate time. Also expand on the "life you wouldn't know". "I joined the army to help Mother Russia but the lives of the [upper class] {wrong wording} would be preserved while I would end up in the same coal mine if I survived."

When you speak about dispatching the German as you would dinner, I would think that dinner would be something a soldier cherished - the down time, the food, the relaxation. Use a different metaphor - dispatching the German as you would throw a piece of unusable coal or something like that.

I also really like about the blood warming you, but that makes your character seam cruel and unsympathetic. Add something about you looking at your camrade and realizing that you wouldn't ever talk to him again or share your dinners, but that you then realized you were warm and you were thankful about that. Make it so the reader feels your duality of a friend and a freezing soldier. On the one hand your friend is gone, but on the other hand you are a soldier and that his death has heated you for a moment.

[Kam]

.

[Triggar]

I thought it was trite - with each sentence, I got the feeling that I've already heard it hundreds of times with minor changes. Sorry dude.

[Kam]

.

[OfaLoaf]

... but I... ...er... :(
But it was still awesome!

[Kam]

.

[Biohazzard56]

http://img41.exs.cx/img41/6568/ninja7gb.jpg

[Kam]

.

[Triggar]

:(

I didn't mean to own you. I know how completely important it is for people to step up and deflate the ego for the sake of improving one's final output :p

Seriously, it isn't a personal attack. I would probably like you as a person if I knew more about you. I'm just trying to help you improve as a writer, you gotta be different! Give people a reason to keep reading.

[Kam]

.

[ObnoxiousFrog]

I'm 17, lonely, and seeking a relationship with a woman up to four years older than me. (And if your older than 21 Triggar that's ok, but you look so young in your picture in the other post. You know, the one with the gun.) I am uber at english and history, and I am obcessed with all wars. Now you know me. O yes, and I'm uber sexy.

Annnyway, thanks for advice.


Creepy?

I think def.

[Kam]

.

[internetn]

OMG, this is funny... Well since he is one of the few to admit that he is a geek, props to him.. but again very creepy.. are you a stalker? My little brother is huge, has a huge ego, and well is a few other things
*cough* *** *cough*.. But even he isn't that desperate...

J/k.. but unfortunately I'm not joking about my bro... :eek:

Oh ya.. I forgot to add, thats a great.. err what would you call it, short story? Anyways nice work

[MattxMosh]

This thread is scaring me.

[Triggar]

Kam, I'm 22, and I might as well be married 'cause I'm not going anywhere :)

Internetn, don't be mean.

[Ivan]

...I might as well be married 'cause I'm not going anywhere :)...
Sure you are! You're coming with me to Alaska to become snow dwelling tree people! And we'll shoot at tourists that come to ski and snowboard. :D

[Kam]

.

[Triggar]

Ivan sometimes you scare me how you read my inner-most thoughts

EDIT: No Kam I don't think you're a stalker :p

[Ivan]

Ivan sometimes you scare me how you read my inner-most thoughts
You do realize you have no inner monolog and say everything out loud. I just hear it cause I'm in your closet. :brow:

[Triggar]

It's hot in there, want some lemonade?

[Ivan]

Yes please.

Back on topic...

Kam great little story. I'm going to have to side with Triggar as it's been done already in a sense if you know what I mean.

[Infernus]

OMG, this is funny... Well since he is one of the few to admit that he is a geek, props to him.. but again very creepy.. are you a stalker? My little brother is huge, has a huge ego, and well is a few other things
*cough* *** *cough*.. But even he isn't that desperate...

J/k.. but unfortunately I'm not joking about my bro... :eek:

Oh ya.. I forgot to add, thats a great.. err what would you call it, short story? Anyways nice work


Hm? You rang?


Also... I'm gay and I would stalk triggar... so Kam is perfectly normal by my standards...

[Kam]

.

[Ivan]

...But was has not been done before?...
A story about a gay walrus couple living in New York fighting crime.

[Triggar]

:lol:

I love you guys.

Ever wonder why I bother with Mobilizations? It's 'cause you're all leet, and I want to hang out with you, and you deserve a kick-ass weekend.

[Ivan]

But I'm not funny in person, I'm only funny on the webbernets.

[AztecWarrior]

But I'm not funny in person, I'm only funny on the webbernets.
Pretend you're on the webbernet. It'll all make sense.

BTW, do you actually call each other "Triggar" and stuff in the mobilizations? Or do you use real life names?

[Triggar]

We used in-game names, mostly.

[AztecWarrior]

We used in-game names, mostly.
Dear God, I can just forsee that.

Triggar: Look! Squeeky's Galaxy just landed!
Squeeky: Hey, hey, hey! How are things going, Marsman?
Marsman: *ultra-bass* Hi!

Passer-By: What the fuck?

[Sputty]

I thought it was trite - with each sentence, I got the feeling that I've already heard it hundreds of times with minor changes. Sorry dude.
qft
I don't know, just another WWII thing, seems taken from every movie and book out there, and considering you weren't there it's obvious that's where you got it

[Infernus]

The best thing at the airport had to be Triggar saying the word martyr over and over... and security getting all alert when she said it...

[ObnoxiousFrog]

Fuckers better call me Brian.

http://www.mogozuzu.com/stalker.jpg

replace "A Stolen Soul" with "Jumping Angela's Bones"

[Kam]

.

[Triggar]

Fuckers better call me Brian.

http://www.mogozuzu.com/stalker.jpg

replace "A Stolen Soul" with "Jumping Angela's Bones"

I don't know whether to put you in my suite, or put you in the farthest suite from me :lol:

[AztecWarrior]

You can call me AztecWarrior, fine.

[Ivan]

You can call me AztecWarrior, fine.
I'm calling you Aztek. That's right with a K!