Two vanu walk into a bar...

[Camping Carl]

I thought we could all use a good laugh, so post your favorite jokes here.

Here's a good one:

John, Tom, Paul and Sam are playing golf one spring day, walking the course and chatting among themselves as golfers are want to do. As they arrived at the 11th green, nestled into the corner of the course at the intersection of two busy streets, John removed his hat and lowered his head as a large funeral procession passed by.

The other members of the foursome were more than a little impressed. "John," Paul said. "that is one of the nicest gestures I have ever seen. Most golfers would have putted out and gone on their way."

John looked up at the group with a tear in his eye. "It's the least I could do," He replied. "we would have been married twenty six years this Thursday."

[RandoMTerroR]

wtf?+? HEY LOl i get that1!!

He went golfing instead of going to his wife's funeral!1! lOL...

damn im so tired... :p


Ohh heres one... just posted it elsewhere but what the fuck...


Roses are brown, violets are brown...

HEY!1! Who the fuck pooped in my flowerbed?!?

[MiniOrca]

this is an odd one but what the heck:

A TR and NC were fighting over whoose empire was better. The NC said he could blow apart a limb with one shot. The TR said he could fill the air with more lead then the NC's IQ lvl in a second. The NC said, open up yor barrel. So the TR soldier opened up the barrel and said yup, i was right, i have 3 bullets

[TheRegurgitator]

I got one

Here ya go

http://www.rhinos-irf.org/images/irfprograms/asiaprograms/waykambassrs/feb02_srs_mating.jpg

[Hamma]

:rofl:

[The Shrike]

Originally posted by RandoMTerroR
wtf?+? HEY LOl i get that1!!

He went golfing instead of going to his wife's funeral!1! lOL...

damn im so tired... :p


Ohh heres one... just posted it elsewhere but what the fuck...


Roses are brown, violets are brown...

HEY!1! Who the fuck pooped in my flowerbed?!?




The funniest thing about your joke is you go out of your way to say "fuck" twice but you say "pooped" instead of "shit"...:rolleyes:

[Terik]

Originally posted by Pattywick
I got one

Here ya go

http://www.rhinos-irf.org/images/irfprograms/asiaprograms/waykambassrs/feb02_srs_mating.jpg

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Sando138]

A Terran Republic soldier, a New Conglomerate soldier, and a Vanu Soverigntey soldier all accidentally come across a magic lamp on the beach, but no one is sure who rubbed it first. so the genie decides to give them each one wish: whatever wish is made, the two representatives of the other factions recieve double(IE one wishes for 10 dollars, the others get 20).

The Terran soldier thinks for a while and says "I'd like a tank."

pow, a prowler appeared behind him. but two Vanguards appeared behind the NC soldier, and two MAG-riders appeared behind the Vanu.

The Vanu thinks for a bit, and Says "I wish to aquire a base all to myself." and poof, five bases appeared on an unpopulated area of the continent; 1 Vanu, 2 NC, 2 TR.

The NC has been thinking all the while, and then he says "Well, first, i was gonna wish for a tank. then that Terran got me two. then i wanted a base. but that Vanu got me two. so here's my wish: you see that branch over there?"

"Of course." replied the genie.

"Take that branch and beat me half to death with it."
---------------------------------------------------
A VS and a Terran walked into a bar. the NC nearby was laughing his ass off; you'd think one of them would have seen it...

[Khronos]

:rofl:

[Anam Nantom]

Heeehe SAndo, great one! :)

[AztecWarrior]

Lol Sando!

[1024]

http://www.angelfire.com/ex/dropshipspike/1-1.jpg

THAT WAS HIALRIOUS SANDO!!! NICE!!!

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Squeeky]

:lol: nice jokes

[RandoMTerroR]

Originally posted by The Shrike
The funniest thing about your joke is you go out of your way to say "fuck" twice but you say "pooped" instead of "shit"...:rolleyes:

What??? ya want me to say:

Who the fuck shitted in my flowerbed?

Shit is a thing, not an action, thank.you.very.much.mr.smartass :rolleyes:

[Diego]

Hahahahhahahahah Sando, nice work.. =)

[Venom]

Originally posted by RandoMTerroR
What??? ya want me to say:

Who the fuck shitted in my flowerbed?

Shit is a thing, not an action, thank.you.very.much.mr.smartass :rolleyes:

"Shit" ( excuse my french) can be used as a noun, verb or an adjective. Examples:

Noun: "Look at that pile of shit" Meaning, "Hey, look over there. There happens to be a pile of poo."

Verb: "Oh man I need to take a shit" Meaning, "Oh dear, I require the services of a toilet."

Adjective: "That's shit" Meaning, "Hmm, that appears to be of lesser quality than what I wanted so you can keep it."

You could have said "Who the fuck shit in my flowerbed?"




Ok, this concludes todays lesson. Let's pray I never have to give it again. :doh:

[HopeSlayer]

A vanu is out patrolling along the lake, when an NC comes up and says HEY, there is some TR guy out there throwing nades in the lake. So the Vanu goes out in his boat to see what's going on. Sure enough, he finds this TR guy throwing the nades in the water. So he says, WTF are you doing? The TR says, "I'm fishing. I throw the nade in the water, and up float the fish, and I net them and put them in the boat." The Vanu says, "You moron, you can't do that. I'm gonna have to arrest you." So the TR takes a nade, pulls the pin and throws it in the Vanu boat and says.."Are you talkin, or fishing?"

[NeoTassadar]

Not PS, and pre-war, but oh well. Excuse any misspelling I may have, I am in a hurry.

Saddam and Bush are in Bagdahd having peace talks. In the middle of one of Bush's sentences, Saddam pushes a button and a boot swings out under the desk and kicks Bush in the shin. Saddam bursts into laughter. Bush tells him to be serious and continues talking peace. After a while, Saddam pushes another button and a pie flies out of a compartment in the wall and hits Bush in the face. Saddam laughs hysterically, and Bush warns him to stop, then continues. After a few minutes, Saddam presses another button and a boxing glove on a spring breaks Bush's nose. Saddam laughs uncontrollably and Bush tells him to come to DC for peace talks in a week, where he can set terms.
A week later Saddam comes to the white house, and they start talking peace. Bush presses a button, and Saddam dives under his chair. Nothing happens. Saddam gets back in his chair, trying to salvage his dignity, and continues. Bush pushes the same button and Saddam dives for cover. Nothing happens. Saddam chuckles, getting back in his chair. He continues negotiating his terms, and Bush presses the same button. Saddam jumps out of the way, but nothing happens again.
Saddam says, "You're psyching me out, Bush. I'm going back to Bagdahd."
Bush says, "What Bagdahd?"

[TheRegurgitator]

lol i get it heres a good laugh

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

[Ginzue]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Patty thats great.

[powdahound]

This man walks into a bar and sees a pirate at the table with a steering wheel glued to his crotch. He walks up to the bar and says to the captain "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch, dont you?" The pirate responds "Yehar i know, its drivin' me nuts."


2 guys walk out of a bar and see a dog licking his own balls.
First guy says, damn, I wish I could do that.
Second guy says, Don't you think he'd bite you?


Male employee walks by a female employee & comments, "your hair smells nice!"
Immediately the female employee storms off and goes to her supervisor, "Mr. Soanso, I'd like to make a sexual harrassment report."
The supervisor asks her to explain why and she repeats the comment the male employee had made.
"So? What do you find distressing about a comment like that?" asks the supervisor.
"He's a midget!"

[Hamma]

Originally posted by powdahound
This man walks into a bar and sees a pirate at the table with a steering wheel glued to his crotch. He walks up to the bar and says to the captain "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch, dont you?" The pirate responds "Yehar i know, its drivin' me nuts."
:rofl: That one is a classic.

[Squeeky]

One time...At band camp.....;)

[NeoTassadar]

A guy steps up to a bar and drinks for an about an hour. Very drunk, he bets the bartender $100 he can piss in a glass across the bar from where he was sitting and not spill a drop. The bartender takes him up on that, easy money. So the guy tries and pisses all over the bar, the drinks, the wine rack behind the bar, and the bartender.
The bartender laughs and says, "You just lost a hundred bucks, buddy!"
The drunk tells him to wait then goes to a table in back of the place and talks to some guys at the table. They all burst into laughter. The drunk comes back and gives him the money.
The bartender asks, "What was that all about?"
The drunk says, "I just bet all those guys $300 I could piss all over your bar and you, and you'd be happy about it."

[Rainer]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
those were great lol more more more!
:whip:

[NeoTassadar]

The world's most straightforward pickup-line: Nice shirt, wanna fuck?

[darkfireknight2]

Ok Ok thanks to Camping Carl for this one

So this African prime minister is vacationing in russia and he get's into talks with Putin and they start talking about Russian Roulett the African is intreaged...

Later Putin is visiting the African country and they get into the same talk about native sports. So the African prime minister takes Putin to a little hut on the edge of town where six women are sitting on the ground and he says "This is African Roulett, each of these women is willing to give you a blow job the catch is one of them is a cannable.

[kid klash]

lol, nice 1. here's mine:
there are 3 vanu, and they find a genie lamp. they forget who rubbed it, so they each get 1 wish. these Vanu just returned from a fight, and want to get across this river to report to their commander, but they can't figure out how. the first Vanu asks to be 10x smarter, and he then builds a raft out of twigs and tries to float across. hes torn apart in the rapids. the second Vanu asks to be 100x smarter, and he plays the stocks, buys a yacht, and sails across. unfortunately, he forgets how to use a steering wheel and crashing into the rocks. the third vanu asks to be 1000x smarter and he walks across the bridge.