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2003-12-23, 02:19 AM
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[Ignore Me] #1 | ||
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Lightbulb Collector
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NOTE: This story takes place in the present, using current events in the storyline. Any resemblance to a real act, past or present, is coincidential and non-slanderous. Except references to Comcast...
And support our troops! Chapter 1: Fall from Grace "Aztec to Carl Vinson, entering vicinity of the target." -December 23, 2005, Iraq- After the fall of Sadaam Hussein in Iraq, several companies were involved in its reconstruction. Among them was Comcast, which handled the electronic and network infrastructure. They did a very good job, at least on paper. The service was horrible, but very profitable for Comcast. So they expanded. By late 2005, they monopolized several main industries of Iraq. By expanding into the energy business and using Iraq's oil to boost its expansion, Comcast and Iraq virtually became intertwined as Comcast became a huge company monopolizing almost every facet of Iraqi life. Nothing could be done, as the provisional Iraqi constitution and government had no laws in place against monopolies. Indeed, Comcast rigged the government, making it full of people who supported big business- but not just any business. Comcast's business. When a business war with the US seemed imminent, Iraq stepped further and further away from US control. Rumors of Comcast funding guerillas ran rampant. And this was not far from reality. Comcast mainly moved to Iraq, but its US operations now include hackers. They are known to attack rival companies. They have never been actually caught, but the defacings show that it was Comcast. Comcast has never been attacked, and Comcast has not denied that these attacks were theirs. Comcast began to act like a huge corporate gang, as long as profits came in. Economic sanctions did little other than make other countries frown on the US. Once US soldiers were thrown out, with some violence, the Navy moved in several carrier groups. They have done nothing to stop anti-US settlement, probably led by Comcast. The area is heating up, almost to the stage of US involvement in Kosovo in the 90s. Peacekeeping troops from several nations stand guard in Kuwait and Saudi Arabia, and the Iranian Army has increased amounts of troops on its border with Iraq. Civil unrest, mainly between ethnic groups, has grown exponentially during 2005. Comcast has created a huge problem for the US and all the world. Then a surface-to-surface missile was found in Basra. It was armed with a nuclear weapon. It did not come from Hussein's regime- it was clearly marked "Made in the USA". The guidance system was a Comcast CC-2 GPS system, dated to 2004. The powder keg went off abruptly on December 23rd. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Lieutenant "AztecWarrior" was on a recon mission in his F/A-18E Super Hornet. His task was to fly over a designated path in the No Fly Zone (no flights for Iraq, not US) and monitor for any troop movements. Underground militia attacks on the pulling-out Coalition forces mounted. Yesterday, a whole company was pinned down by heavily armed Iraqi units. Their guns were manufactured by Comcast. How paradoxical. My Radar Warning Reciever (RWR) is made by Comcast. The Block 5 aircraft and later ones got Texas Instrument RWRs...the lucky bastards. He zoomed over the desert. He was going to cut course and fly along the Badghad-Amman road, as instructed. This wasn't the first flight, about four flights having preceded him. He would have gone lower for the thrill of it, but he feared damaging his sensor pod which was under the fuselage. He checked his radar. Nothing. Speed- damn. He was near Mach 1. He couldn't go faster because of the civilian residences, blah blah blah. Lawyers ran the freaking armed forces these days. Beeeep. Something came up on radar. Then another. Then another! The lawyers can shove it. Full throttle! He contacted JSTARS, which was basically a huge ground-object detecting radar hooked up to a converted Boeing airliner. "AztecWarrior to JSTARS, I'm reading a convoy at coordinates 36*30, 73*20, are they ours or theirs?" A few moments passed. "JSTARS to AztecWarrior, they are not ours, I repeat, they are hostile targets. We read several T-80 tanks, BMP-1s, ZSU-23s, and at least one SA-8 mobile SAM launcher. Caution is advised." "Roger that, JSTARS. I'm on recon. I'll report this to the Carl Vinson. Thanks." BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! "HOLY SHIT! AZTEC TO CARL VINSON, WE GOT SOMETHING OUT HERE TRACKING ME, I THINK IT'S A SAM!" A shrill and high-pitched tone screamed from the speaker. A light was flashing. The RWR! Someone was definitely tracking him! He checked it. It was something in the convoy. But...they weren't close enough to fire a SAM... "BEEE! BEEE! Missile launch. 12 o'clock high. Missile launch." crooned the female voice. "FUCK! AZTEC TO CARL VINSON, MISSILE LAUNCHED AT ME! BEGINNING EVASION TECHNIQUES!" "Missile launch." Chaff. Deploy chaff. What the....it wasn't doing it! Jammer on. Shit! "Jammer NOGO" was displayed on the multi-function display. Turn! "Carl Vinson to Aztec, slow down, we didn't quite get your last message, please don't yell into the mike, over." The plane didn't respond. The cockpit went silent. The RWR displayed the following message. "DNS incorrect. This page is not availible." "WHAT THE FUCKING...I GOT A DNS ERROR! RWR OFFLINE!" The radio went dead. All screens, inclduing the HUD, displayed the message. "Bad DNS." He looked for the missile. It was going straight for him, no doubts about it. He could take it no longer. He pulled the handle between his legs. Explosive bolts blew off the canopy and rockets ejected him from the doomed aircraft. He saw the explosion. It hit right in the nose. The plane separated at the cockpit. Good call... The parachute deployed almost instantly when in the right position. God bless Martin-Baker seats he thought. There was desert everywhere. Nothing. Nothing at all. He saw a cloud of dust in the distance. Armored personnel carriers were coming towards him. He reached for his M9 pistol and began to pray.
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The gun katas. Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically predictable element. The gun kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents while keeping the defender clear of the statistically traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. The difference of a 63% increase to lethal proficiency makes the master of the gun katas an adversary not to be taken lightly. |
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2003-12-23, 12:56 PM
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[Ignore Me] #4 | |||
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Master Sergeant
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Because guns are always better than spoons. |
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2003-12-23, 07:24 PM
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[Ignore Me] #7 | ||
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Lightbulb Collector
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This story will have both action and funny parts. There's not much room for funny if I can't set up a background...
Chapter 2: Badghad-Amman road He pulled back the slide on his M9, which was a military version of the Beretta 92F. One round entered the chamber. 14 remained in the clip. The rest of the convoy was speeding up on the road, but leading the pack were some ancient Russian BMP amored personnel carriers. Where had they come from to appear so quickly on radar? He was being jammed. That was the problem. So was JSTARS and everything in the area... He flared and hit the ground. He disconnected his chute. Desperately, he looked around for anything that could hide him. Nothing. He was doomed. He saw a figure exit the vehicle. The leading car was about 600 yards away, by his estimation. They didn't open fire... Something whizzed past his head. A bullet. He saw the figure emptying what appeared to be a rifle at him. Dragunov sniper rifle, maybe? He dodged the shots until he had emptied his clip. Ten shots. He couldn't do this much longer. Something emerged from behind the vehicle. It appared to be a truck. Someone had mounted a machinegun on top. It was going much faster. He raised his pistol. He wasn't going to go down without a fight. He then noted something- the driver wasn't Middle Eastern. He was white. So was the gunner....it was a van, not a truck. The Comcast van. White with a huge Comcast logo on the side. He had two clips in reserve. The rest had fallen out while ejecting. Strangely enough, the gunner didn't open fire. He ran up to the truck. It stopped, brakes screeching on the dusty road. The doors were flung open, and white mercenaries came out. They had Iraqi uniforms, ski masks, white hands, and AK-103s. These were basically AK-47s with synthetic stocks and other upgrades. "We got him. He looks like he's..." said one, touching a hidden microphone transmitter button on his head. Aztec fired two shots into his chest. He reeled, and Aztec put a third in his head. They were given special Hydra-Shok heavy loads. Part of his head was blown off gruesomely, spraying the next guy with brains, He worked his way towards the open doors of the van. Everyone else was still getting out. He emptied his clip into it, screams ensuing. The driver got out. The machinegunner, too close to hit with his mounted 12.7mm, pulled out his backup SMG. The driver had a Saiga 12K automatic shotgun. Aztec turned. He pulled the trigger, pointing the gun at the driver's ace. Click. SHIT! Click click click. No time to reload. He decided to grab an AK. He turned and reached to retrieve the BKOOOOOMmmm The shot echoed in the air. Pellets came raining down on Aztec's back. He felt a huge pain, all over his body. His grip on his Beretta loosened. The gun fell. He tripped and fell along with it. The ground didn't seem so hard now that his back was swiss cheese. He noticed that the pain was all over his body, even in the hands. He checked his hand. No blood. Great. He's hit my spine. All the nerves are registering pain....come on, empty your clip. I'm a dead man... The driver mumbled something in Iraqi into the radio. Aztec would later find out that it meant: "He's worth more alive. Don't kill him." He remained silent for some reason. It hurt more than anything in his life, but he was stunned.
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The gun katas. Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically predictable element. The gun kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents while keeping the defender clear of the statistically traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. The difference of a 63% increase to lethal proficiency makes the master of the gun katas an adversary not to be taken lightly. |
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2003-12-23, 07:34 PM
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[Ignore Me] #8 | ||
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Lightbulb Collector
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NOTE: A few days ago I saw this show on the Discovery Channel on a US Navy carrier battle group. They went onboard a Trident-class nuclear submarine. EVERYONE on that sub looked like Hamma, I swear, except the captain, who had a different hairstyle but the same glasses.
Everyone from New England looks like Hamma, and they all get sub duty when drafted.  Chapter 3: Local Area Network "SQUEEKY! YOU CHEATING BASTARD!" yelled Hamma into his mike. (See above) He was onboard the USS Oregon Trail, a Trident-class sub sailing with the Carl Vinson. It was fairly new. Lieutenant (junior grade) Hamma was lucky. He brought his laptop into the sub. He had an electrical outlet, and a wireless modem for his laptop. The captain allowed him to play computer games with the rest of the fleet's LAN. He'd just gotten outrun in Need for Speed: Underground. "That's it. He's going to pay." He unleashed his Schopenbulb.exe hack, which gave him a Ford Lightning with a jet engine in the back. He then drag raced Squeeky again, this time trouncing him. On the Carl Vinson, another drag racer, Lance Corporal Searo, chuckled. He outdid them both next race with his Blackbird.exe. It gave him a completely black 350Z with wings that did Mach 3. He flew over all the obstacles and beat them both. It was at that moment that Rear Admiral Manitou came in over radio to the entire battle group. "All units to battle stations, I repeat, all units to battle stations, we have a pilot downed in Iraq."
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The gun katas. Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically predictable element. The gun kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents while keeping the defender clear of the statistically traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. The difference of a 63% increase to lethal proficiency makes the master of the gun katas an adversary not to be taken lightly. |
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2003-12-25, 12:32 AM
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[Ignore Me] #10 | ||
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Lightbulb Collector
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Chapter 4: Yuor ISP is bad
The medics came up to Aztec. One of them had a needle. The pain eased away when he was injected. Morphine? Another one pulled out a different needle. After being injected, the world started to turn. The vehicle, the people, the sky all turned black and molded into one. He was unconscious. "Sir, he is full of morphine. He is drugged. He no wake up for hours." said one of the medics. He was Iraqi, and spoke in pidgin English. "Excellent...." was the last voice Aztec heard. It was not Iraqi. -------------------------- -USS Carl Vinson- -Red Alert- Manitou sat at his desk. By his side was the second-highest ranked officer on the ship. He was talking via satellite with President Bush. Advisors surrounded the President. "Now don't mention his name. We can't have any names out." said Bush. "Yes, sir. Now, what are our options? The Marine SAR team is ready now." said Manitou. "I personally vote against an SAR team at this point." said some metrosexual-looking advisor of the President. "Why's that, Ben?" replied Bush. "Well, we haven't determined exactly what went wrong. Did he fire on something?" Vernam, second only to Manitou on the ship, butted in. "All flight tracking shows him following the exact specified course we've been using for a few days now. At about one minute to crash, he started screaming into the mike that a SAM was after him, but it was too garbled to comprehend at the moment. A few seconds later, he ejected. The missile hit dead-on and destroyed the F/A-18 in one hit." "So he did nothing wrong, then?" asked the President. "Exactly nothi...." started Manitou, but he was cut off. DNS ERROR! YUOR ISP IS BAD! DNS ERROR! DNS ERROR! scrolled across the screen in a marquee. The audio link went dead. The words were black, superimposed on a Comcast logo. "THOSE SONS OF BITCHES! COMCAST FUCKING SUCKS!" screamed Manitou. To vent his anger, he snapped an unfortunate letter opener in half. "This is turning out like that Behind Enemy Lines movie." observed Vernam. "SHUT UP!" he screamed back. "THAT MOVIE SUCKED!" "Aye-aye, sir."
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The gun katas. Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically predictable element. The gun kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents while keeping the defender clear of the statistically traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. The difference of a 63% increase to lethal proficiency makes the master of the gun katas an adversary not to be taken lightly. |
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AS AZTEC WILL BRING DESTRUCTION TO YOUR SHITTY SERVICE!!
or anything with a big boom!
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