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2003-11-07, 03:17 AM
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[Ignore Me] #1 | ||
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Brigadier General
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I wrote a short story for my english class that takes place in the world of Arcanum since I suck at making my own characters or settings.
It's entitled "The Last Resistance" Suggestions and corrections are welcome. Every morning at 5 am Thomas would wake up and make breakfast for himself, then get ready to bring his vegetables into town to sell at the market. Today was no different. The rude intrusion of the newly purchased alarm clock woke Thomas from his comfortable slumber, the clock he had was one of the marvels recently created by technology, but you could find them almost everywhere. As Thomas got out of bed, and dressed himself, he wondered how those silly mages managed to get up on time, without an audible intrusion, it was near impossible for Thomas to awaken himself. Thomas walked into his kitchen, and took some eggs out of the icebox, then lit the stove, and cooked the eggs for his breakfast. Once he was finished his breakfast, Thomas proceeded outside to load his packed eggs onto the cart, so he could bring them to town. He noticed something eerie this morning though, something in the air did just not feel right, but now that he though of it, nothing had felt right ever since that neighbor of his had recently moved in. An old fellow, a bit loony Thomas thought, but that is the way with most of the magick folk these days. Even trying to practice a simple spell is difficult in this world being now dominated by technology. By the time Thomas had arrived in town with all his goods, the market was already thriving with activity. The usual bourgeoisie were roaming the streets, showing off their riches to the less fortunate citizens of Shrouded Hills, a small Mining towns near the stonewall range. The town had grown quite a bit ever since the reincarnation of Nasrudin passed through here, it was some kind of prophecy to do with the Panarii religion, Thomas did not take interest in such things. Old constable Owens had enlarged the force quite a bit, and the first bank of Shrouded Hills had guards around the clock. Thomas began to set up his goods, carefully placing his vegetables, and eggs on the cart-turned-table, when an old figure approached, It was Doc Roberts, he had been the town physician many years ago, and was also an expert firearms handler. When Thomas was younger, he had been quite sickly, and made many trips to visit the Doc. With the amount of time he had spent there the Doc took a liking to the young fellow, and had given him considerable training using an old flintlock pistol he kept around. The doc, smiling, said tiredly �Hello Thomas, lovely day, isn�t it? I need about a dozen eggs for the week.� �Certainly, Doc Roberts� Thomas replied. �Say you haven�t noticed any strange happenings lately, ever since your new neighbor moved in, have you?� The doc inquired �Yes, I thought it was just me who was feeling that way about him.� Thomas replied, Roberts continued �I had an eerie feeling, some people say he�s a necromancer, some think he could even be the nefarious Kerghan, but I doubt that, he was destroyed by the Nasrudin a couple of decades ago, wiped from existence, they say.� �Is that even possible?� Asked Thomas, �Oh, yes indeed, ever since those ancient Vendigroth�s made that device, the �Vendigroth Device�, they called it.� Roberts took a deep breath, then continued �Well anyway, I think I might know who that old fellow next door to you is, I think he might be a necromancer over from Ashbury, by the name of Geoffrey Tarellond-Ashe. He was often seen hanging around the graveyard over there, I guess he finally decided to settle down somewhere.� Thomas seemed surprised �A necromancer, living right next door to me! I never would have guessed, I knew the whole time he was a magick user, but necromancer? I don�t like this one bit.� �Neither do I Thomas, I say you should be prepared for anything coming from a necromancer, here, take my old Clarington rifle, just in case anything happens.� Roberts replied, Thomas thanked him, as he left, then, looking at his pocket watch, realized he needed to get back to the farm, and the market was shutting down. He packed up all his goods, and slipped the Clarington, the doc had given him into his backpack, and made off for the farm. By the time Thomas had returned, it was about noon, and the sun was blazing quite hot that day, but Thomas didn�t mind, he was going to finish digging the well he was going to make inside his barn so he could easily get the water to his animals. Eventually Thomas planned to make a gravity driven waterworks that would work with counter-balances and weights to periodically fill the animal�s troughs. Though Thomas had worked hard for the early part of the day, he was still not hungry and decided to skip lunch, continue working on digging the well, to have an early dinner. After dinner Thomas continued digging the well, he made excellent progress, but he was growing tired, and it was getting late, and the sun had begun to set. But Thomas kept on working; he was determined to make as much progress as he could. He had dug quite deep, and was attempting to dig out some roots that were blocking his progress; he chopped at the roots with his shovel, and was gradually clearing them. As soon as he had them almost completely cut, they began to rip, and buckle under his weight, it seemed like there was nothing beneath the roots, and it seemed hollow. Thomas quickly scrambled up the side of the hole, back to the floor of the barn, he looked back down to the bottom, and to his amazement, the roots had all ripped, and down through the roots, there was a hole, and in the hole, darkness. Suddenly a large gust of wind was sucked into the hole. Thomas was so surprised he didn�t even know what to think of this large hollow stop beneath his barn. Surely it must house something, or have housed something at one point. But he was too tired now, so he decided to call it a night, and worry about it tomorrow. Thomas left the barn, and entered the house, he was about to undress when he heard a strange sound coming from outside, it sounded like 2 boulders colliding at full speed coming down a mountain, a chill ran down his spine. He turned to face the window, and the sound repeated, but much quieter, then again, and again, the sounds shortening in intervals, then growing louder in their harmonic mass. He could see nothing through his window, as it was too dark now, and the reflection of his lamp made it impossible to see. Suspecting the worst, Thomas fetched his Clarington rifle, and a box of ammunition, he loaded the weapon, grabbed a lantern, then went outside to investigate the noise. What he saw, shocked him, on his field, around the barn there were skeletons, hundreds of skeletons, some emerging from the ground, leaving small piles of dirt behind, like a mole would do, and in the middle of his field was now a gaping pit, at least 40 feet deep with skeletons climbing their way out of it, none of the skeletons seemed to notice him. As he scanned the landscape, assessing the situation, he noticed what appeared to be the man living next door, standing at the edge of his property, who was staring directly at him. Suddenly the man moved his stare to the skeletons on the field, and the hole which they had emerged from, then he raised his arms, moving them precisely in a strange motion, his hands began emitting a blue glow, then a beam of blue light shot spastically from his hand s and hit one of the skeletons, then branched to the others, from each one that was hit, it would branch out and hit 2 more, finally once all the skeletons were all connected through beams of blue, the beams dispersed. Thomas was now to amazed to act on anything, observing the situation, and sucking in every detail, until, all the skeletons stopped, and simultaneously looked directly at Thomas with their eyeless skulls. Thomas, now aware of his situation quickly retreated back into his house, locked the door, and immediately began boarding it up. He made haste, and the skeletons were not moving too quickly, and then proceeded to boarding up the windows, now as the skeletons drew nearer, he realized they were all wielding at least some type of crude weapon. Some of them now began to hurl axes at the house, Thomas decided to start trying to hold them off with his rifle. He loaded the Clarington, then began taking precise shots at the skeletons, the rifle was powerful enough that it could take the limbs off the skeletons, but they could not die, as they were already dead. He tried to aim for the legs to slow them down while he formulated a plan. He took aim on a larger skeleton, and fired 1 shot at each of it�s legs, the skeleton�s legs came off easily, and the force blew it on to it�s back, but to Thomas� horror, it began to crawl along the ground, clawing with it�s fleshless fingers. Thomas knew this practice would be futile in a little while, then remembered he had been given the schematics of how to make some simple explosives out of every day household items. He quickly went to his work room, and retrieved the schematics, the 2 that he had explained how to make molotov cocktails, and a fused explosive which was a bit more powerful form the looks of it. Thomas gathered the necessary items, then furiously started constructing the devices. He had made about 10 Molotovs before he ran out of rags and 7 or so fused explosive devices with the supplies that he had. Thomas decided the way most likely to stop the skeletons was to kill his old neighbor, who seemed to be controlling them.
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2003-11-07, 03:18 AM
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[Ignore Me] #2 | ||
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Brigadier General
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The air was now an unnatural cool for mid-summer, as Thomas slipped out the back window of his house, it seemed the skeletons were still occupied at the front door, he could hear the scratching and hacking of bone on wood. As he made his way towards his neighbor�s property, he stopped behind the barn and took a look at what the skeletons were doing. He peeked around, and saw that they were now completely gone, not a single skeleton in sight. How could this be, it had not been so long since he could hear the scratching coming from the front of the house. As he surveyed the area, while peeking around the barn, he heard a heart-stopping clicking noise coming from behind him; he quickly turned, only to see about 20 skeletons advancing on him from the other side of the barn. Thomas quickly lit the fuse on one of his explosive devices, and threw it right into the middle of the group. The fuse ran out, and in a fiery, blinding explosion the skeletons went flying all over the place, the explosion was so loud, Thomas figured all of Shrouded Hills heard it! After making a quick check around him, he hurried off towards the neighbor�s property.
The neighbor�s property was poorly kept, and was very rocky; the only think on the property was the small shack that the old man lived in. Thomas spotted the old man standing in exactly the same spot he had stood in before, but this time, he didn�t see Thomas, he was still focused on the adjacent property. The feeling in his gut told Thomas that now was his chance to kill the man, he wasn�t suspecting a thing. The rocky ground was uncomfortable where Thomas had gone laid down, and began to take aim with his rifle; he was breathing heavily, and could hardly keep his shot straight. The reticule lined up on the old man�s head and Thomas started to squeeze the trigger, but suddenly there was a flash of green light right in front of the man. Yet again, Thomas was beyond words. It seemed to be a portal of some kind, and 3 robed men emerged from the glowing green portal and approached the old man. The tallest of the cloaked figures took the lead as the other 2 trailed behind him, the old man turned calmly towards the robed men and said softly �Ah Perriman Smythe, it has been a while since I have seen you. Still chasing the righteous path against evil? Or have you just been trying to survive with your magick?� Thomas, now angered let out a whispered shout �More mages? Damn those dirty blasted mages and their magick! Damn them to the void.� Not hearing Thomas� exclamation the robed figure replied to the old man in a serious tone �It does not matter what I am doing now, but what you are doing. You should know better then anyone Tarellond, that by the written law Tulla, and the word of Simeon Tor, the magickal art of necromancy is strictly forbidden. You will stop your spells at once, and come with us to the mage�s city of Tulla for a trial.� The old man (Geoffrey) let out a grin �Oh come now old chap, us magickals can�t be fightin� each other, there aren�t many of us left. In fact, you three should join me and my army of undead; we could finally bring a stop to this industrial revolution and the evolution of technology. We will destroy their foolish machines and show them who really posses the power to rule Arcanum. Wouldn�t you love to have all that power back Smythe? Don�t think that hood can fool me, I know it�s you under there.� Smythe replied �You won�t be able to talk your way out of this one Tarellond-Ashe. Looks like we are going to have to take you by force.� One of the trailing figures drew his staff in preparation to lock the old necromancer with a spell, but Ashe quickly shot a bolt out of his finger, causing the man the fall down, wrenching in pain, then suddenly his skin started to fall right off, and before Smythe knew it, his lackey had not a single piece of flesh left on him. Now he was just another skeleton added to Tarellond-Ashe�s undead army. �You just made your worst mistake Geoffrey!� exclaimed Smythe, as he drew his staff and began to back away, eyes fixated on Tarellond-Ashe, who now had his skeleton army standing in ranks behind him. All this while Thomas lay in the same spot staring in amazement. Suddenly Smythe unleashed volleys of spells towards Ashe and his army, as the army advanced. For several minutes the 2 sides exchanged explosive spells, and the undead arm sustained heavy losses, but continued advancing. Thomas now realized it was now or never. He abruptly stood up, eyes transfixed on the head of the old necromancer, he let out a furious cry and charged towards the battle lighting his explosives, and hurling them in the appropriate direction. For a moment the mages stopped, to see what the disturbance was, looking over at Thomas. Though both a bit bewildered, what was left of the undead army did not stop advancing, and one of the skeletons struck Smythe while he was distracted. Smythe fell to the ground, his remaining lackey quickly cast a teleportation spell, and disappeared along with Smythe. At that very moment Thomas� explosives went off, finishing off the rest of the skeletons. Not even haing time to basque in his temporary victory, Tarellond-Ashe was sent flying and landed on a large, obscure rock, splitting him in half, killing him immediately. Still trying to absorb what had just happened, all Thomas could think about was getting a good nights sleep. He was so very tired, and he himself did not even understand the full extent of the events which had taken place that evening. He decided not to touch anything, or what was left, as the neighbors surely heard the comotion, and Officials from Tarant would surely be there in the morning. Tarant being the largest most industrious city in the world of Arcanum.
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2003-11-07, 10:59 AM
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[Ignore Me] #8 | |||
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Lieutenant Colonel
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2003-11-07, 11:08 AM
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[Ignore Me] #10 | ||
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Major
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If you don't mind me asking Derfud, is this a high school level class, or a college-level composition class?
Very impressive if it is the first! If it is the later I would recommend setting it down for several days, then go back over your story and look for two things... Firstly look to see what phrases could be more powerful if they were replaced with a shorter, more concise phrase. Secondly go through the more dramatic parts of your story and see if you can add more sensory imagery� For example, if I may make an opinion� �Thomas left the barn, and entered the house, he was about to undress when he heard a strange sound coming from outside, it sounded like 2 boulders colliding at full speed coming down a mountain, a chill ran down his spine.�� That there is good, I would presume most people really felt that chill themselves� But perhaps it would be more powerful if it were something like: �After leaving the barn Thomas entered his house, while preparing to undress Thomas became aware of the eerie silence that engulfed his house; a silence which was abruptly shattered by a thunderous explosion outside his window. A chill shot down Thomas� spine as he sprinted to his window to see what could produce such a cataclysmic blast. One of the fundamental techniques in story telling of any type is the idea that a person MUST experience something in their imagination to fully understand what is being presented to them. The more detail that is given the more detailed this imagination will be... For example lets use a classic... If I tell you, "Now whatever you do, don't think about a blue van with shiny chrome rims and dark tinted windows." To understand what I am saying you must picture that van in your mind. If I say "don't think about a van." You might have a totally different image then what I want to convey... So instead use visual imagry such as: "don't think about an impectibly maintained cobalt blue van which has large chrome rims, dark tinted windows, and a skull embossed on the hood." Now you are thinking about the same van I have in mind. Squick Last edited by Squick; 2003-11-07 at 11:13 AM. |
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2003-11-07, 03:11 PM
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[Ignore Me] #12 | ||
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Major
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omg squick is a genious i feel dumb now btw theres punctuations missing but no spelling that i saw listen to quick he sounds like he knows what he speaks of
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Long Time Gone, joined in 2003. Coming back to get ready for PS 2. Learning the Ropes and looking for a good European Outfit, Otherwise am with the VS Azure Twilights |
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2003-11-07, 03:19 PM
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[Ignore Me] #13 | |||
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Contributor Teh Masturbator
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Seems to caracterize (sp?) the arcanum world pretty well... 
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