[LONG POST]interview with Gregor Samsa

[Spee]

For this project, I am doing the interview with Gregor Samsa, main character of �The Transformation�

Me: Wlel, glad to see you're in good spirits, Gregor.

Gregor Samsa: (antennae flailing about) sssgoood to seeeee yoouuuu, Alllleeeeeeccckkssss.

Me: Interesting accent you got there, Gregor. Mind explaining where it comes from?

GS: (simplified for human reading) Well, Alex, I really cant identify where it came from. Well, aside from the fact I woke up one morning, and was a bug, and...(sniffs the air) Do you smell that...?

Me: Cant say I do...

GS: It smells sweet.... (GS Scurries off seat to regions unknown)

Me: ...It appears our inerview is having technical difficulties....

------------------------THE STATION YOU ARE WATCHING IS HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFI-

Random Guard: OH GOD, ITS EATING MY FLESH!!!1

-----------THE STATION YOU ARE WATCHING IS HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY-----------------------

(screen flickers back on, Gregor is chained to seat, armed guards on sides)

Me: ...Well, that was fascinating, Gregor, Care to tell-

GS: I MUST TASTE MAN-FLESH!!

Me: Well, thats lovely and all, but can you identify -why- you crave succulent, sweet man-flesh?

GS: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Me: Lovely. Care to answer the question?

GS: Fine, Ill answer your damnable inquiry. As you may or may not have noticed, I am a giant insect. Now, as just demonstrated, I appear to be a carnivorous insect.

Me: You said you woke up like this. Any thing done prior to that fateful dozing that may have triggered this awful transformation?

GS: Well, I -was- a roving door-to-door salesman, so, Since the individual who wrote me happened to loathe such individuals with a passion, and, as writers are prone to doing, went on a Napoleanic power trip of neigh-epic proportions, playing god, and twisting my innocent mortal form into this, this abominable beast! This disgusting manifestation of dirt, plague, and annoyance! Is he GOD?! Is this his appointment of the new Horsemen of the Apocalypse?! IS THIS MY FATE, TO BE FOREVER BOUND IN THIS DAMNABLE CARAPACE FOR ALL ETERNITY, NEVER FEELING DEATH'S SWEET EMBRACE?!

Me: ...You should write that down. You'd make thousands of teenagers relate to you.

GS: I know. I've got a few friends together, and we're thinking about making a band called Linkin Park. Ive got this human outfit, that'll suit me as lead singer just fine.

Me: Really? Do you have a record deal?

GS: One of the friends' dad's works at BMG. He'll hook us up.

Me: Alright. Onto more relevant topics...

GS: MAN-FLESH!!

Me: Not quite. See, I was thinking of something along the lines of �How has your family adjusted to your bugginess, and your carnivorous habits?

GS: Oh, they HATE me. My sister wont stop crying, everytime my Dad sees me, he grabs a broom and starts beating me with it, screaming �OUT DEVIL! LEAVE MY SON BE!,� and since, you know, he's my dad, I really cant eat him where he stands, ya know?

Me: Oh, We've all had to make a choice like that.

GS: Precisely. My mom's pretty cool with it. Though, mackin' on the ladies is difficult. Well, mackin' on the good-looking ladies. Those creepy goth chicks always hit on me and creep me the hell out.

Me: Whats your reaction to that, generally speaking?

GS: Oh, I use my mandibles to remove everything below the knee.



Me: That must be a useful talent, those sharp mandibles.

GS: Seriously. You should see me as a school cook. I could open those prepackaged canned foods so fast your head would spin. Though, my presence in the kitchen is probably in violation of so many health laws, said school would have enough lawsuits filed against them, it would make Phillip Morris look like an Evangelical church.

Me: Nice similie.

GS: Cockroaches are infamous for their ability to spout Quentin Tarantino-esque similies at the drop of a hat. Speaking of which, QT's half-roach.

Me: Really, now?

GS: Yeah. Study his face, sometime. If you look closely enough, you can see the mandibles.

Me: Ill have to take a look at that. One more question before our time is out, Gregor � How does the general population react to you?

GS: Honestly. That is the stupidest goddamn question I've ever heard. I'm a 5 foot tall cockroach. How do you THINK they react to me? �Aww, how cute, the very epitome of filth, can I go pet it, mommy?� HELL NO. They try and step on me at every given moment! They spit on me! Bite their thumbs at me! Spray RAID on me! That shit STINGS! Its like mace in the eys...ONLY FOR YOUR WHOLE BODY.

Me: Maybe they'd stop trying to kill you, if youd stop trying to kill them?

GS: You human are such hypocrites. And you wonder why wild animals attack you! Hey, look over there!

Me: huh? (looks to the left)

GS: BWAHAHAHA! (Breaks out of chains, starts mauling interviewer as screams of agony, and the sound of tearing flesh fill the hall, atop the steady drumbeat of the guard's rifles going off)


Director: Who f****** planned this motherf****** event?! Theres blood all over the f****** camera! Clean this s*** up! Get both bodies out of here! Jesus christ, I'm going to have a talk with the CEO. Seriously! WHAT THE F***?!