French Warfare History

[Manitou]

We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.
-- George Orwell

Let us take a look at French warfighting history... do we really care if they are "on board"?

Gaellic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all people, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly Lost. Saved at the last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates "The First Rule of French Warfare": France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. (Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huegenots.)

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchman take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of Augsberg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded French supporters the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the "Second Rule of French Warfare": France only wins when America does most of the fighting.

French Revolution - Won. This was primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French (who lost).

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (brought about by the application of the "First Rule of French Warfare") due to the leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. (The French troops probably got distracted by wanting to try on the fancy shoes.)

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of "the drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night".

World War I - Tied. Were on the way to losing; France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what its like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein". Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French Forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the "First Rule of Muslim Warfare": We can always beat the French.
This rule is identical to the "First Rules" of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he runs into a McDonald's.

[BLuE_ZeRO]

French Revolution - Won. This was primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French (who lost).

I just about died when I saw that.

[mistled]

my favorite .... "France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway."

[Sputty]

That's hilarious. Thanks for the chuckle

[Hamma]

[Unregistered]

Time for me to post the French Answer to "America's Army" the game?

[mistled]

Originally posted by Unregistered
Time for me to post the French Answer to "America's Army" the game?

[Unregistered]

French Army to Market 'Ultimate Surrender' Video Game

Paris - Inspired by the commercial success of the United States Army�s "Boot Camp" video game, the General Staff of the French Army has announced plans to market "Ultimate Surrender," a video game based upon the proud military traditions of the Gauls.


In the game we follow the exploits of Lucky Pierre, an apprentice garlic salesman from Marseilles, as he joins the French Army and begins a rigorous course of combat training. The First Level of the game is called "Survival School," and the players have to help Lucky Pierre survive 24 hours without red wine or cr�me brul�. The Second Level is "Capitulation," and the goal here is to see which player can have Lucky Pierre surrender the fastest without firing a shot or getting his uniform dirty. Level Three is "Collaboration." Here the players battle to see who can collect the largest numbers of pairs of nylon stockings and packages of chocolates by having Lucky Pierre perform sexual favors for members of the occupying forces. Level Four is "Be Ungrateful to America for Rescuing Your Sorry French Ass Once Again." In this extremely challenging part of the game contestants vie with one another to see who can make Lucky Pierre behave in the surliest manner when the United States inevitably comes to the rescue of the defeated French. The Final Level is "Pretending to Have Been in the Resistance." Here contestants compete in a battle of tall tales and whoppers as they try to protect Lucky Pierre from treason charges.

Marketing tests show that "Ultimate Surrender" is a big hit with French teenagers and young adults who are too young to have experienced France�s lightening surrender to the Germans in 1940 or its defeat by the Vietnamese in 1954 at Dien Bien Phu. "Zees is a great tool to inspire ze patriotism in ze youths, n�est ce pas?" said General Jean-Jacques Loseur, Commander-in-Chief of the French Army, during his weekly press conference. "Since ze end of ze Cold War we French have not had many opportunities to surrender or to show great cowardice in the face of much weaker opponents."

When questioned about comments made in the French Chamber of Deputies that "Ultimate Surrender" makes the French Army look like a bunch of gutless mama�s boys, General Loseur pulled out a white handkerchief, put his hands over his head and said, "Oh heck, I give up."

[Incompetent]

[BLuE_ZeRO]

hahahahahahahahaha

[Manitou]

OMG!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Lexington_Steele]

In defense of the undefended, France did dominate europe for a significant period of time.

Charlemagne, Louis XIV, and Napoleon do come to mind when I think of great leaders in history.

Charlemagne and Louis XIV increased french power a great deal and made france the dominant area in the western world.

As far as Napoleon, you can't blame him too much for losing. Who knew that fighting a ground war against the Russians was such a bad idea?

[BLuE_ZeRO]

No french defense allowed!

[Lexington_Steele]

BTW, what does France's record implicate?

France may bey opting out of fighting because they know if they do fight, NATO will lose.

Don't hate on France. They are doing their very best to preseve a NATO victory.

[BLuE_ZeRO]

Preserving a victory for NATO? lmfao the only thing France is preserving is their cowardly beliefs.