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2003-09-08, 01:34 AM
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[Ignore Me] #1 | ||
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Lieutenant Colonel
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A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains"!!!.... And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows" --------------------------------------- A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?" "No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde joke emails we've been receiving." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." -------------------------------------------------- Two Guys in a Supermarket Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm tits, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!" |
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2003-09-08, 04:10 AM
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[Ignore Me] #2 | ||
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Lieutenant Colonel
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A Scotsman and an Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me," says the genie.
The Englishman thinks then wishes: "I believe in an england for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scotsmen coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England to keep English in and the Scots out." POOF! and it's done. The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he finally says, "tell me about this wall." "Well," says the genie, "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, and nothing can get in and nothing can get out." "Ok," says the Scotsman, "Fill it with water." -------------------------------------------- One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guiness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow," the guy said,"that's awesome!" The demon continued, "I bet you like to gamble." "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow." "You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays." ----------------------------------------- Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engine starts up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin - but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You kno, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die." |
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2003-09-08, 04:11 AM
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[Ignore Me] #3 | ||
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Lieutenant Colonel
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Osama bin Laden dies and tries to go to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Osama must go to hell.
So, Osama goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Osama notices that he has left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem! I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Osama bin Laden has been in hell no more than ten minutes, and we're already getting refugees!" ----------------------------------------- Ole, Sven and Lars were sitting around naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. Sven pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The other two looked at him questioningly. "Dat vas my new pager," he said. "I've got one of dem microchips under da skin of my arm." A few seconds later a phone rang. Lars popped his hand open, lifted it to the side of his head and proceeded to talk into his palm while keeping one finger to his ear. When he finshed, he slapped his knee with his hand and explained, "Dat vas my new cell phone. Da microphone is on da microchip under the skin on da palm of my hand, and da speaker is right here in dis finger!" Now, Ole was feeling a bit behind the times. he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned, there was a rather long piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt. Sven and Lars raised their eyebrows and stared at him. Ole looked back and exclaimed, "Vell, vould you look at dat. I'm getting a fax..." ------------------------------------ A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitues. Want to have some fun?' " "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitues, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" |
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2003-09-09, 03:01 PM
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[Ignore Me] #6 | ||
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Member
Contributor 
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Got a whole bunch of jokes. They all have the same theme, see if you can figure it out :P
Ill start off with my favorite: ----------------- What do you do if you see 90,000,000 dead french-men? Stop laughing and re-load!! ---------------- The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow". ----------- Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised. ------------ What features come standard in French tanks? 1. 5 speeds. 4 in reverse and 1 in forward in case the enemy attacks from behind. 2. A rear view mirror. To watch the war. ------------- How do you separate the men from the boys in France? With a crowbar. -------------- "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." -General George S. Patton -------------- "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh ----------------- American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?" Frenchman: "No." American: "You're Welcome! ------------------ Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*? Because you'll never see it in battle. ------------- A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once. ------------- What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The French Army. -------------- How many jokes are there about the French? One, the rest are true |
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2003-09-09, 03:24 PM
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[Ignore Me] #7 | ||
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Member
Contributor
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  "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" --Jay Leno "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman |
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hell yea, im there
jk
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