Blue and Yellow

[Mognoc]

Ok...Last time my attempt...was a failure. I'm tryin again. :P

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Blue and Yellow

Blue and Yellow. Those were the colors he stood for. He stood 6'1 feet tall, at 217 pounds, he was no lightweight. Sometimes the Blue and Yellow became smeared with red. Sometimes the Blue and Yellow became tarnished. Sometimes the Blue and Yellow had holes punched in them. But the Blue and Yellow never completely fell apart. Oppression didn't like the Terrans; he He didn't really have any particular problem with the Vanu Sovereignty, except that he liked his Humanity. He had been killed a total of 318 times, and killed a total of around 500 soldiers.

He was what you'd call a "Respawn" generation soldier. At age thirteen, he had taken out his anger on the neighborhood. He had beaten up his brother for deleting his SpaceSide account, and lost SpaceSide forever. His father snapped the disk in half, and Oppression had a temper problem. He had stolen a Cycler from his fathers "Military" Cabinet (Where he kept all of his Terran Republic Army equipment) and had shot 12 people before the Terran Rebublic riot police came and took him away. He'd escaped execution because of his fathers rank. At age fifteen, he decided to commit suicide, five times. partly for the hell of it, and partly because his parents were dead. They were killed five months before. The first attempt he simply shot himself. Second attempt, he jumped off a building. Third, he jumped off a builiding again. Fourth, he asphyxiated himself. Fifth, he drowned himself.

His parents were killed by the Terran Republic for going to a demonstration concerning the Terran Republic, on April 11th. Before they moved to Auraxis and respawning was available. He really had no problem with the Terran Republic up untill his parents were killed, and then he opened his eyes.

This was all flashing in front of his eyes, as the face mask of his Reinforced Exo Suit shattered into infestimal peices. The bullet entered his head by his right eye. Bone splintered and he fell to the ground, writhing...Then he was still, and found himself standing in a respawn tube. The spawn room in Gunuku happened to be camped, and the bullets from the Mini Chaingun sawed through his right thigh like it was rice paper. He was pleased to see, through the red fog of agony, that a few of the soldiers had commenced vomiting. More firing. Oppression lay dead in his spawn tube.

He woke up in the sanctuary respawn tube. "Damn Terrans got Gunuku spawns camped again" Muttering was often common when soldiers came out of the respawn tubes. He suited up,then walked to the HART building. The wait time for the hart read 2:25. He noticed another soldier waiting. The uniform he wore had almost no yellow, and he was shaking. A few other soldiers came up, most of them with no blue at all. Oppression watched as they came up and commenced jeering at the new recruit. Oppression minded his own business. It wasn't worth getting into an argument with them, anyway. The HART wait read 0:05. Oppression got ready to go in. Meanwhile, the new recruit was busy trying not to run away. Eventually, he managed it, though he looked pale as a vampire. Not that Oppression believed in that sort of thing. Ding! The HART light turned green, and everyone in the waiting lobby walked in. Oppression was glad that you didn't share drop pods. Your first drop was also known as "Lunch Review". Oppression was going to Esamir, he wanted to wipe the walls with some barnies.

Ok..this one problably sucks too, but what the hell. Please tell me if it sucks... :P

[Sentrosi]

It doesn't suck, but it's hard to follow. I'd suggest mixing in some paragraphs here and there. Also, in the beginning, you're jumping around. Give the character some backround material. Why was he being punished? Why did he commit suicide? Always give the readers something to bite into concerning who they're reading about.

[Mognoc]

Thanks... I'll try'n do that. Yeah i do kinda jump round...

[Mognoc]

Ok, I changed it a a bit...

[Sentrosi]

Better.

[Mognoc]

:P Thanks....If more people read it mebbe i'll write more..

[Febnon]

stop trying to copy off harlum.

[Firefly]

Originally Posted by Mognoc

Ok...Last time my attempt...was a failure.

Don't worry about it. I posted mine a few weeks ago, it's still there, it's had all those reads, and no one commented. At least you got comments.

[NewCong. Marine]

This is pretty good... I didnt see it before you edited, but it looks fine to me!

[Mognoc]

First off...wtf is a harlem?

[Gigabein]

Activate your criticism shields...

you NEEEEEED to take your story outside of the game. Example:

"Damn Terrans got Gunuku spawns camped again"

camped?! come on... that's a gamer-term and you know it. Shouldn't the main character receive orders or something instead of just randomly deciding what his "mission for the day" is going to be? Why is he at the sanctuary in the first place? Maybe he just finished up some R&R leave, or got thrown in the stockade for whatever psychotic episode-ish reason.

Go into some detail about those people waiting for the HART. Why aren't they in bases out in the disputed continents already? (and don't say their player just logged on)

The world your character resides in should add color to his tale, not the other way around. You're falling into a common computer game fan-fiction trap of describing your normal PS gaming activities... "with some extra stuff". Yes we know you and everyone else on the server spawn at the sanctuary, run to the HART, and look for a continent where you or squad wants to fight. So? I get that same story every time I play PS.

Give him a purpose that's unique.

I do like the depth your character has with regards to his psychological damage and history of hatred of the Terran Republic. What did his original anger stem from? Hopefully it's not because his brother and father ruined his SpaceSide game.

REPLYING TO SENTROSI


hey dude you got that animation from www.redvsblue.com (funny halo movies)

huh?

I KNOW I AM RIGHT I WATCHD EVERY EPISODE!




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