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2003-09-18, 03:14 AM
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[Ignore Me] #35 | ||
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Lieutenant Colonel
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Who mows the grass?
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, kicked back, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened RayBan Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey bitch and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass". -------------------------------------------------- The rabbi There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds. Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, Screw the rabbi!" ---------------------------------- A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed squealing with delight. Her husband watches her a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied. ----------------------------------- A woman was shopping at her local super market where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly." -------------------------------------- A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well......There's nothing wrong with your eyesight." ----------------------------------------- One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bras." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman, and your brother." |
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2003-10-10, 02:44 AM
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[Ignore Me] #39 | ||
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Lieutenant Colonel
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." ----------------------------------------------- Bulletin: We have just been informed that Arabs do not like to be called "towelheads." The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Effective immediately, please call them "little sheet heads." Thank you for your cooperation. ------------------------------------------------ A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie." -------------------------------------------------- A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes,and accidentally lets out a big fart. She looked up and said: Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud." |
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2003-10-12, 11:44 AM
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[Ignore Me] #41 | ||
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General
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A Zoophile, a pyromaniac, a serial killer, a necrophile and a sado-mazochist are sitting on a park and bench when the Zoophile says:
''Let's catch a cat and fuck it!'' The pyro says: ''Yes! Yes! Let's catch it and light it on fire'' The killer: ''Then while it's on fire let's kill it slowly'' Necrophile: ''OHHH then we can fuck it again!'' Sado-mazochist: ''Meow!''
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2003-10-16, 03:51 AM
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[Ignore Me] #43 | ||
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Major
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What Two countries fill up all the member slots in The NC army?
America and France What is the most looked up word in the NC survival guide? Civil War In Case of VS attack what is a NC soldier Most likely to say? A)F*ck*n Barney! B)ZERG! C)God Save The Queen! D)And The French Go Marching on... What is The Likelyness That playing An NC Grunt You've Been Saved By a French medic/grunt/Pilot 80% and an American? 15% Whats the likelyness that the retreating Reaver that saw a Reaver and a Mosquito approach is French Or American? 10% Anyother Country? 90% In the NC army what are there 2 strongest points 1. Teamwork 2. They don't know they guy next to them is french/american Conclusion WildEagle You just made fun of you outfit's members are you proud of yourself? |
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2003-10-16, 03:53 AM
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[Ignore Me] #44 | ||
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Major
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What Two Things Do NC Fight For most of all?
Freedom by Assault(american) Freedom By Negociations(French) conclusions two sides of the same coin Cat cant catch its tail half the time do you think the heads part of a coin can kick the tails part of a coin's ass? because the ass of the opposite side of the coin ... is you. |
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