rofflesnortz! funny email

[Squeeky]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a complaint or gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problems they had with the airplane during the flights. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilotreviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that the ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (It should be noted that Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Left inside main tire almost need replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.