French Warfare History

[Manitou]

We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.
-- George Orwell

Let us take a look at French warfighting history... do we really care if they are "on board"?

Gaellic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all people, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly Lost. Saved at the last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates "The First Rule of French Warfare": France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. (Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huegenots.)

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchman take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of Augsberg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded French supporters the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the "Second Rule of French Warfare": France only wins when America does most of the fighting.

French Revolution - Won. This was primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French (who lost).

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (brought about by the application of the "First Rule of French Warfare") due to the leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. (The French troops probably got distracted by wanting to try on the fancy shoes.)

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of "the drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night".

World War I - Tied. Were on the way to losing; France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what its like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein". Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French Forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the "First Rule of Muslim Warfare": We can always beat the French.
This rule is identical to the "First Rules" of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he runs into a McDonald's.