Biblical Starcraft

[EineBeBoP]

Biblical Starcraft

My friend copied and pasted it to me, although he won't tell me where its from, and I can't give credit. From some Starcraft forum as far as I know though.



1st Romans 13:1-2

"And then the Lord opened up Starcraft, and clicked Multiplayer, and connected to Battle.net, and lo, there was a new patch available fixing many errors. And the Lord rejoiced to see his people following his ways, and he downloaded the patch with joyous song of angels resounding across the heavens.

1st Romans 13:3-5

And when the patch had finished, he restarted his computer, so that errors wouldst not creep upon his hard drive in his hour of victory. With a click of the heavenly mouse he didst enter the chat room, and verily, he saw legions upon legions of Hunters maps, and he was displeased, and then he moved with great speed unto Use Map Settings, and there he saw many games of Golem Madness, and once again his wrath was provoked upon the heathens.

1st Romans 3:6-8

For in the days of the Hebrew fathers, the Lord had commanded Moses, Thou shalt not make maps with huge amounts of resources, nor shalt any one map comprise more than fifty percent of any game type, and the people hardened their hearts and would not listen. So the Lord created his own game, and he called it "THE WRATH OF THE LORD SHALL COME UPON ALL OF YE", and it was full within thirty seconds, and the game was begun.

1st Romans 9-13:

In the days of Race Selection, Jesus had made the Terrans his chosen people, and as the game started, he commanded his SCVs to harvest minerals and great quantities of Vespene Gas for the glory of the Lord. And he set down commandment for the people, saying "Once a year, a tribute of forty minerals and twenty Vespene Gas shall be paid to the Levites, expecting my servants who require more minerals for their daily bread, but they must substitute three doves or one goat." And the servants of the Lord, yea, even the Medics and Science Vessels, said "What the hell are you talking about?", and the Lord replied, "Just go attack the Zerg, you pansies."

And the Marines and Firebats, and yea, even the Siege Tanks, journeyed across the map, though the Lord had not yet researched Siege Mode. And as they traversed the map, through many hills and valleys, they came unto a great expanse of water, and they could not cross. For in the days of the Hebrew fathers Moses had parted the Red Sea with his staff, but none of the people had created a Moses hero unit, nay, not one, and anyway, there's no "Part Sea" special ability.

1st Romans 3:13-14

So the Lord sent out the Wraiths, hidden under their cloaks from the misbegotten Zerg enemies, and they found a Zerg expansion, covered in the vile Creep, but the air-to-ground lasers of the Wraiths couldst not prevail against the Spore Colonies, and the Wraiths did fall in a mighty blaze. So the Lord built many Dropships, andupon the first of these he clicked many times to hear it say "In case of a water landing, you may be used as a flotation device," and he was pleased.

1st Romans 3:15-17

And Jesus loaded his forces into the Dropships, and sent them across the watery expanse, but the Zerg had placed Sunken Colonies upon the shore, and Spore Colonies behind them, and the Lord could not land his people upon the shore, for they would surely die. So the Lord responded to the Zerg colonies of darkness with many Missile Towers upon his own shore, and many multitudes of Zerg Overlords died as they flew across the sea to the shore of God.

1st Romans 3:18-20

And Jesus did build vast legions of Battleships with Yamato Cannons, even unto the end of his food supply, and he fired upon the Sunken Colonies with the Cannons, and they fell with a mighty crash, as did the gates of Jericho in the days before the coming of the Son. And the Lord, with great haste, landed his Siege Tanks, and set them up in Siege Mode, and they fired upon the Spore Colonies, and like the Sunken Colonies they did fall, and the armies of the Lord rejoiced.

1st Romans 3:21-22

But as the Colonies fell, armies of Zerglings rushed upon the Tanks, and the Tanks could not withstand the assault of their deadly claws, for the minimum range restricted them, and the tanks converted to Tank Mode with great haste, but the slow fire rate of the Lord's armies could not withstand the Zerg's unclean Adrenal Glands, and the Tanks were destroyed.

1st Romans 3:22-24

And the Lord cursed the vile Zerg, and damned them unto life eternal in the fiery pits of Char, but they hardened their hearts and would not go. So the Lord used his almighty power of Sensor Sweep, and gazed upon the Zerg base, and saw the Guardians massing there to fire upon the Missile Turrets of light, and he laughed, for the foolish Zerg had used up many minerals, and doomed themselves unto a loss.

1st Romans 3:25-27

And the Lord turned in his swively chair to the Archangel Michael, and said "In this they have sown the seeds of their own destruction." And Michael agreed, for he had, in the days before the creation of the world, used the Guardian strategy, and the Lord had owned him. So the Lord built an armada of Valkyries, and hid them behind the Missile Turrets, and the blind and foolish Guardians saw them not, and into the Lord's trap they fell.

1st Romans 3:28-30

And as the Guardians exploded in a deluge of fluids, the Lord once more sent the Battlecruisers upon the Zerg base, and they besieged the base, and the Mutalisks, and yea, even the tiny Scourge, though many of them impacted, could not defeat the Cruisers of Jesus. And as the Cruisers destroyed the Zerg base with the Yamato Cannons of nuclear light, many Zealots and Dragoons also attacked the Zerg. And when the Zerg were defeated, the heathen Protoss turned upon the Battlecruisers, and though their numbers were many and the battle glorious, the forces of the Lord prevailed.

1st Romans 3:31-32

And the Lord once again used his omniscient Sensor Sweep, but this time he did turn it unto the Protoss base, and there he saw many Dark Templars amassed, yea, and Shuttles with full upgrades, and Reavers, and even Corsairs, who dared turn the power of the Lord's light against him by using the Disruption Web for the ends of those who opposed the Lord.