Vietnam story thingy

[Hezzy]

This is a story I am writing for my english coursework, feedback would be appreciated.

Err... can't seem to find the story at the mo i think i left the file at school, lol. Ah well. Watch this space!

[Squeeky]

Oops?

When you get it post it up, i love war stories

[Hezzy]

Ok, just logged into my school computer and got it out. (some credit goes to a mate from JG editting it and adding more emotion to it)

Bloody forest, its way too hot here. Every time I wake up I have to check my damned boots for freakin snakes or spiders. I�ve heard of men loose their whole foot due to spider bites. Turn your back on them out here and you�ll be dead. So here I am, fighting my way through the massive plants. Why did I even sign up? It�s not like they need me. Bloody recruitment posters. See the world! They said. See the world my arse, unless the world is a massive, humid, dank forest full of creepy crawlies that are the size of your hand.
We were laughing and joking about the good old days at bootcamp. Those days were long gone. They had us trudging through this damned forest full of damned Beatles and damned mosquitoes. We thought going to war would be fun, but it isn�t, we got dropped in 14 days ago, only to be pulled out again because we had surrendered. Those damn politicians, they don�t even know what it�s like to be here, we can win this, but no. They have to be the daft bastards and pull us out.
I had been in Nam 14 days now, and believe me I was ready to go home. After the word from back home had came out. The moral of the troops had gone down so much. All the lives of American soldiers, wasted. It made me feel sick as I saw body bag, after body bag being raised into the chopper. Each one with a family, loved ones. Maybe back home they didn�t even know then had been killed. It was too sad to think about. But I knew somewhere in the word was crying, as the tears fell from the sky here on base camp. A light shower soon became a wicked storm, and it wasn�t like we could hide indoors. A group of VC were spotted down river about 3 miles away from our position. It was to dark and too wet to send out a scouting team. The only thing we could do was sit tight and hold out position until first light. I was in the North West fox hole. About 25 feet from the thick wall of trees that lay ahead of me.
They came out of no-where, instantly pinning us down behind a log under a wall of fire. Damn Charlies, I can�t even get a shot off, I heard Duke � my comrade in arms mutter. He was married with 2 children, he shouldn�t be here. He should be playing catch with his kids, and watching them grow up, not be out here to be pawns of the corrupt government! But all that back home didn�t matter now, it was what we did here that counted. The VC were shadows in the trees in front of me. I opened fire, I couldn�t tell if I hit anything, it was so dam dark. I could hear Duke yelling in the fox hole next to me �Fucking VC, come get some�. Worst mistake he could have made. They picked up his position from the sounds he had made and instantly started firing on his position. Shit, id had enough. I look down my sights and shot at anything that moved, they were darting in and out the trees, it reminded me of a game I use to play at the fair with my dad. The bullet that darted past my head soon brought my attention back to the fight. At last a flare was launched from behind me, it lit up the sky like the 4th of July, but no time to stare, the tree line was lit up, and a began to get a clear shot at the enemy. Things were looking up. We were joking among ourselves �I got 5,� �yeah well got 9.� The smile was wiped off my face instantly, as a saw what look like a shoulder propelled rocket launcher being pointed in out direction �RPG!� I screamed at the top of my voice. It was too late, I heard the whoosh of the rocket, it went right into Dukes Fox hole. I ran towards it, but the flames were too big and I got pushed back. I fell to my Knees with my hands in my face. The bullets continued to fire round me but I couldn�t move, even if I wanted to. My body shut down. I took a hit to the shoulder, I didn�t even react to it, I just kept staring at the bunker in front of me, the flames still twisting out the gaps. The second bullet to the collar bone was the one that got me, it hit right in the bone. I fell to the floor face down. From my chest up was numb. But that didn�t stop me feeling the pain, I wanted to cry, but I was too angry. I lay on the floor dazed, the last think I remember was feet in front of my face. Then a pain to the back of the head made it all go black.

Not finished yet. Expect more. Gunna recall his childhood while he is unconscious. Might do it tonight. Might do it next week. Basically when i can be arsed.

[Mr1337Duck]

Nice, keep workin on it.

[Nimbus]

Good so far.

The moral of the troops had gone down so much

moral=morale

Okay, now, suggestions.
If you haven't already, talk to some vietnam vets. If you don't personally know any, get in contact with a local VFW. Most vets I know don't have a problem relating a few stories. Your story is good so far, but I do have a few problems with it. The story is written like it's being narrated by the man himself. Like he's telling this story later. Now, just from personal experience, I've never met a Nam vet who will admit that the war wasn't worth fighting or that the politicians were corrupt. Many actually get very upset if you suggest this.
If this is near the end of the war, there is no way this guy could not have known exactly where he was going if he enlisted. They were drafting during Vietnam and anybody who was enlisting voluntarily would most likely not be the kind of person who hates the war or thinks the politicians were corrupt.
Also, with the battle bit, maybe include something about their officer barking orders. Assuming they didn't already frag whoever was in command (they shouldn't have if they were all fresh soldiers), he should have been shouting orders as soon as they heard gunfire.

[Mr1337Duck]

The Nam vets I know gladly admit that it was a pointless war. We set ourselves up to fail that one. My dad served in Nam and said he remembered their encampment being fired on and having to request permission from Washington to fire back. Any war in which you need permission to kick the crap out of your enemies is a bad one.

[Hezzy]

Originally posted by Nimbus
Good so far.


moral=morale

Okay, now, suggestions.
If you haven't already, talk to some vietnam vets. If you don't personally know any, get in contact with a local VFW. Most vets I know don't have a problem relating a few stories. Your story is good so far, but I do have a few problems with it. The story is written like it's being narrated by the man himself. Like he's telling this story later. Now, just from personal experience, I've never met a Nam vet who will admit that the war wasn't worth fighting or that the politicians were corrupt. Many actually get very upset if you suggest this.
If this is near the end of the war, there is no way this guy could not have known exactly where he was going if he enlisted. They were drafting during Vietnam and anybody who was enlisting voluntarily would most likely not be the kind of person who hates the war or thinks the politicians were corrupt.
Also, with the battle bit, maybe include something about their officer barking orders. Assuming they didn't already frag whoever was in command (they shouldn't have if they were all fresh soldiers), he should have been shouting orders as soon as they heard gunfire.

First off, I'm english, so I can't really get into contact with war vets. Second off, its for my coursework, and the writing style is supposed to be 'Flow of consciousness' which means (if you don't already know) I have to write it so its his thoughts on the thing. So I'm really going for marks, rather than actual fact, that's why i've included emotion (hence the government bit) and not gone for plain realism. It's hard to put full dialogs in the text because of the writing style, that's why I've done it so he is recalling it and that's why I can't write the officer barking orders, but I will add something about that. Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated

[Nimbus]

Originally posted by Mr1337Duck
The Nam vets I know gladly admit that it was a pointless war. We set ourselves up to fail that one. My dad served in Nam and said he remembered their encampment being fired on and having to request permission from Washington to fire back. Any war in which you need permission to kick the crap out of your enemies is a bad one.

I guess it depends on the guys you know. I've been warned not to ask my uncle too much about it. The reasoning my mother gave me was basically that for many of the Vets, they just don't want to accept that their friends died fighting to line some politicians pocket.

First off, I'm english, so I can't really get into contact with war vets. Second off, its for my coursework, and the writing style is supposed to be 'Flow of consciousness' which means (if you don't already know) I have to write it so its his thoughts on the thing. So I'm really going for marks, rather than actual fact, that's why i've included emotion (hence the government bit) and not gone for plain realism. It's hard to put full dialogs in the text because of the writing style, that's why I've done it so he is recalling it and that's why I can't write the officer barking orders, but I will add something about that. Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated

Ahh, that explains a lot. I had thought that the point was to go for realism.
More suggestions!

. But I knew somewhere in the word was crying, as the tears fell from the sky here on base camp

It isn't real clear what you mean here. I'm guessing you meant someone in the the world was crying, but I dunno.

Ahh...lets see.. more detail and description on some important bits. I noticed some use of simile and metaphor like

The VC were shadows in the trees in front of me

and

, it lit up the sky like the 4th of July

. These are good. Some areas could use some better description like:

I screamed at the top of my voice. It was too late, I heard the whoosh of the rocket, it went right into Dukes Fox hole. I ran towards it, but the flames were too big and I got pushed back. I fell to my Knees with my hands in my face. The bullets continued to fire round me but I couldn�t move, even if I wanted to

This is an exciting bit of the story. People are going to be paying more attention here and lots of detail would be good. Just an example: "I screamed at the top of my voice but it was too late. I heard the rocket screaming overhead and Duke's foxhole erupted in a ball of flame. I ran towards it but the heat from the blaze was too much to bear and I was forced back."

right after he covers his face with his hands would be a good point to maybe describe his thoughts again. Maybe something like "Not Duke!" or "This can't be happening!" I'm not sure what route you want to take your character in. Most of the scene where the RPG goes off up until he falls unconcious doesn't really show what he was thinking (assuming he wasn't in shock)

[Hezzy]

thanks for the feedback, will change it soon

[Nimbus]

You're welcome.
Ugh, I remember my college writing classes very clearly.

[Robot]

A few spelling/grammatical errors, but otherwise, it's good.

Try to put in a descriptive paragraph or two. Example: "The darkness of the surrounding jungle encompassed us like a blanket. And this wasn't the blanket on your bed when you were a kid, where you could just turn on your flashlight and read your favorite book under it. You couldn't read anything under this blanket, except maybe the impenetrable fear present in every man's eyes."