The Official Joke Thread

[Dharkbayne]

A Hooker and a Bungee Jump

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

[Dharkbayne]

Baby Drink

How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.

[Ait'al]

JAPAN
�What�s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?�

Dark, there is a sushi called Hiroshima.

[Dharkbayne]

Comedy Central's Alleged Humor

Season's Beatings

There's gotta be a better way to spend December.

Let's face it: once you're old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas loses some of its magic. Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn't any "bah, humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your celebration of this holiday season.

* Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon.

* Fill a pair of galoshes with cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the morning to look for Santa's little curds-slathered footprints.

* Get rid of your Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia Christ!

* Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel.

* Attend Midnight Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the savior".

* Carve stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I was going to ask you freaks the same thing."

* Dress up like an elf, go to a playground, and collect lunch money from kids to "pay for Santa's chemotherapy". Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds.

* Find out exactly how many cups of spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head.

* Eat Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like "ripe ass".

* Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy".

* Get the crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging strangers on the street.

* Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "***** flying reindeer".

* Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks you're "gay for gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something else "cooking in the oven".

* Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that transform into robotic tarantulas.

* Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters, 6am 'til Noon.

[Dharkbayne]

Originally Posted by Ait'al

JAPAN
�What�s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?�

Dark, there is a sushi called Hiroshima.

I hardly even read these, I just stole them off a website,

[Dharkbayne]

50 Ways To Say �I Love You�

1. �If my heart were a baked potato, I�d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.�
2. �Your terrible personality isn�t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it�s not as terrible as everyone says.�

3. �I�d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.�

4. �I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.�

5. �The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, �I�m the same way when you don�t call when you say you will.�

6. �I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn�t run screaming. So there.�

7. �Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.�

8. �Umm� like� you and me? Yeah. You and me.�

9. �You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.�

10. �You are the hole in my donut.�

11. �I am the pork, you are the beans.�

12. �You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.�

13. �You are my personal parachute.�

14. �If you were a margarita, I�d drink you by the bucket.�

15. �I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.�

16. �If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I�d lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.�

17. �I don�t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.�

18. �I�ll still want to have sex with you even when you�re old, fat, and ugly.�

19. �You had me at �Stop following me�.�

20. �Your farts smell like vanilla.�

21. �We�re a two person chain gang.�

22. ��I am valedictorian of the University of You.�

23. �If you needed a kidney transplant, I�d also throw in a bonus lung.�

24. �The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.�

25. �You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.�

26. �While you�re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.�

27. �You suck! So good.�

28. �If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I�d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.�

29. �When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That�s like you.�

30. �We are totally codependent and I don�t want it any other way.�

31. �This is the �happily ever after� part of the damn fairy tale, dig?�

32. �If you were a handful of genital crabs, I�d never change my underwear.�

33. �I�m not saying we shouldn�t see other people. I�m just saying I�ll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.�

34. �I am your blank check. Don�t bounce me.�

35. �Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.�

36. �If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, I�d feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.�

37. �If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then I�d be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.�

38. �You�re such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let�s forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.�

39. �If I was smart, I�d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.�

40. �Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper� I�d also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.�

41. I wrote you a poem: �You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you�re the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I don�t get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.�

42. �I�m a grown up and just face the facts that you�re my security blanket.�

43. �You don�t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Let�s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.�

44. �Not only would I die for you, I�d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.�

45.�Look: you�re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I�ll clean my shotgun.�

46. �I�m a junky for your instant messages.�

47. �I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn�t that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.�

48. �You�re my best and only naked friend.�

49. �I�d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.�

50. �Let�s set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow� wasn�t that just like lame movie Reality Bites? You�ve never seen it? It�s awesome� in a totally stupid way.�

[Dharkbayne]

Capon Fear

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
Far from being a proverbial chicken, this deeply disturbed fowl suffered from chronic depression and social anxiety disorder, usually treated with a combination therapy of Luvox and Paxil.

[Dharkbayne]

Coke Ain't No Joke

W a t e r
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

C o k e
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. Check it out.

For Your Info :
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?

[Dharkbayne]

Funny Apple

Q: What did the apple say to the orange?
A: I despise you for being different from me.

[Dharkbayne]

Johnny Big Head

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

[simba]

Originally Posted by Dharkbayne

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?

Coke>* hands down