English Assignment

[Rayder]

This is due today (I'm done with it obviously), and I was just wondering what you guys thought of it. It's supposed to be about charity and volunteerism and whatnot. Tell me what you think

Johnny Myer was a proud lad. Strong in the mind and strong in the soul. Not the most physically fit guy around, but not the least either. Johnny was the kind of person that you instantly liked, with his boyish, good natured face and his easy attitude, until you looked into his eyes. Then, then you saw that Johnny had a deep intelligence to him, unbefitting of one of his age. Proud Johnny was, proud of himself, and yet, ashamed at what he was, ashamed at the way he looked compared to the others. Johnny was an orphan, an orphan without a home and without anyone that truly cared about him. Oh, the boarding schools and the child welfare associations all said that they cared, but they didn't. Johnny was just another face in an endless sea of identical faces. Johnny and other children were the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for the child welfare groups.

Sevil Natas was just an average person. An average rich person. Sevil himself owned 24 different oil companies, all of which brought him immense wealth. But this is beside the point, for Sevil has a press conference coming up soon, and he wants to be viewed by the populace as a good, caring person who wasn't afraid to give up something of his own, something that he held dear, and Sevil knew exactly what to give, something which he had a lot of, for there was nothing more dear to Sevil than his money, and he knew that the people knew this, and the people knew that he knew they knew and weren't expecting anything less. So, Sevil got his coat, hat, and cane, went out his front door and down the street.

Johnny too was walking down this very same street, and maybe it was coincidence or the hand of a divine being, but either way, Sevil and Johnny happened upon eachother. Johnny, in his tattered clothes and perforated blanket, and Sevil, in his nice coat and hat, with his gold capped cane, were a perfect example of contrast.
Now, Sevil thought, this is a lad who's luck has run out, who's life is a drag and who's mind is a twist. This is the lad, to which I shall give, my charity of the golden gifts.
Who is this? Thought Johnny. This man all dressed up in nice clothes, coming into this part of town? Oh well, he is not of concern, and with that thought, Johnny walked on by.

"Now, hold on there lad," said Sevil to Johnny, and Johnny turned around and looked up into the face of the man who had spoken to him. "I have something for you, something which I think you will like indeed."

"Sir," says Johnny. "Sir I have no need of whatever it is you are wanting to give me."
"Nonsense boy, what I have to give you is something which will help you, whether it be now or later. All man likes it, all man needs it in this world. You will take it boy."

"No sir," Johnny replies, ever polite. "I will not accept your self-centered charity, your gifts which will brand you as 'good.' No sir, I will not take it," and with this, Johnny starts walking again, but stops, and says without looking over his shoulder, "Maybe the others will, but I am not them. I am my own, and my own I am. I do not take what is tinted with pity, what is smothered with greed. No. You can keep your pot of gold," and continues on, never looking back.

Sevil stands there, stunned to the core. In Johnny's speech his cane has dropped to the floor. What kind of fool would deny my gold? What kind of moron would deny that which all men need? This fool, he does not deserve it. No. This fool of a boy does not deserve my wonderful charity.

[Veteran]

The first two sentences should probably be seperated by a semi-colon, or turn the second sentence into a complete sentence. Sentence three is also a sentence fragment. An ellipses can serve better than a comma in some sentences... (<-- three periods is an ellipses). Too many of the sentences in the first paragraph start with the word Johhny.

Sentence two of paragraph two is a sentence fragment. The word 'himself' is improper grammar in this application, though often used in conversation. The word 'But' should never be used to start a sentence. The phrase 'and the people knew that he knew they knew' is contrived and distracts from the flow.

'Perfect example of contrast' could better be 'contrasted each other perfectly'.

You shifted into the present tense in the last chapters. As a narrative, you should stick to the past-tense.

Also, your teacher would appreciate the inclusion of boobies in any submitted work. No, really.

[Rayder]

You shifted into the present tense in the last chapters. As a narrative, you should stick to the past-tense.

Soo, I shouldn't make them say "I" when referring to themselves?
My teacher is the bitch from Hell 2.0

[Veteran]

Just present the narrative in past-tense. "No, sir", Johhny replied... 'and with this, Johnny started walking again, but stopped, and said without looking over his shoulder... Where's the beef?!

I added the last line, but you can see what I mean by past-tense. You are describing the actions of these characters as they happened in the past, or in an idealized situation that had already been resolved. When you describe them in the present-tense, you are changing the entire flavor of the presentation.

I enjoyed your narrative. With study, you could be a powerful writer.

[martyr]

don't forget to tape some spare cash on the back page.

[Veteran]

5p4r3 k45h 4t3hwi1n!111

[Rayder]

I see what you mean, but, when did I describe them in the present?

[Veteran]

Johnny Myer was a proud lad. <-- This is a perfect narrative instance of the past tense. You are referring to the character as he was in the ideal state in which you chose to include him in your story.

'"No sir," Johnny replies', '...and with this, Johnny starts walking again'.

The verbs 'replies' and 'starts' are in the present tense. Those are verbs to describe something that is happening now, instantly, as we speak, etc. The narrative is not a comic book. You are describing the actions of characters that have already fulfilled their roles. The present tense is used mainly in stream-of-consciousness writing, and is rare even at that. Most of the time, even when you are making up the story, you are referring to that story as a figment of the past; a dialogue that has come and gone, leaving only a dramatic story in its wake.

[Rayder]

"No sir," Johnny replied, ... and with this, Johnny started to walk again.