Joke Time

[Unregistered]

Next time I read this thread there beter be more joking and less X-Boxing!


So this Blonde is tired of people always making blonde jokes, and talking about how blondes are stupid and decides to die her hair brown.

One day while driving in the country she happens upod a Shepard and his flock of sheep crossing the road. She stops to let them cross, and begins to talk to the Shepard.

Woman "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The Shepard thinks about it for a second and agrees. So the woman looks around and she is trying to get and idea of how many there are and says "104". The Shepard is amazed that she guessed correctly and allows her to pick a sheep.

So the woman looks about the flock, and find he most playful and friendly sheep she can find. As she is loading her new pet into the car the Shepard calls after her

"Excuse me Miss, but if I can guess your natural hair Color can I have my Dog back?"

[CDaws]

A man walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink.
He calls over to the bartender to bring him a beer.
While he drinks he looks around the room to see an elephant sitting over in the corner.
He calls to the bartender and motions him back.
Man: What's the deal with the elephant sitting over in the corner?
Bartender: Well you see that pot of gold down at the end of the bar?
Man: Yeah.
Bartender: Well if you can make that elephant laugh it's yours.
Man: Ok
He then proceeds over to the elephant, wispers something into his ear, and the elephant just dies laughing.
He walks back over to the bar and the bartender gives him the pot of gold.
A few weeks later the man returns to the same bar to have another drink.
He notices the elephant in the corner and asks the bartender what he has to do to get the pot of gold this time.
Bartender: Well you have to make him cry this time.
The man says ok and proceeds over to the elephant and he just starts bawling his eyes out.
THe man returns to the bar to get his prize and before he leaves the bartender comes over and asks the man what in the hell he did to make the elephant laugh and cry like that since no one else had ever done it.
The man replys: First time I told that elephant I had a bigger Dick that he did and the second time I showed him.

[War Mongrel]

I got a good one from Saturday Night Live.

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold, one's a sick duck....I can't remember how it ends but your mother's a whore!

As you probably notice, it's actually more of a riddle.

[Sandtaco]

There's 2 Longhorns and an Aggie traped on a desserted island. One day they find a lamp, and all 3 start rubing on it. A genni(sp?) comes out and ofers them each 1 wish.

You they're a longhorn when they can't spell genie

[FireFrenzy]

Three guys are shipwrecked on an island, which is inhabited by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe of cannibals tells them if they do a series of tasks, they'll let them survive. The chief tells them to go and bring back ten of the same fruit. The first one brings back ten apples, the cannibals then tell him if he can get all ten of them in his ass without flinching, he would be set free. On the second one, he lets out a big yell and they kill em and cook em. The second guy brings back 10 grapes, and they tell him the same thing. On the 9th grape, he bursts out laughing, and is killed. At the gates of heaven, the first guy asks him "Man why did you do that, you had it!" and the other guy replies "I saw someone coming with ten watermelons!".

[Toimu]

How to call the Police

(True Story)
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he�d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked �Is someone in your house?� and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said �Okay,� hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
�Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don�t have to worry about them now because I�ve just shot all the sons of bitches ! .� Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: �I thought you said that you�d shot them!�
George said, �I thought you said there was nobody available!�
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Cars Wreck

A man and woman are in a bad car wreck. Both cars are totaled, but they are unharmed.

Woman, "this must be a sign that we are to meet!"

Man, "hmm... sure..."

Woman, "And look! This bottle of wine I bought didn't brake! This must be a sign that we should celebrate our meeting!"

Man, "hmm... sure...." So he takes the bottle, drinks some, and hands it back to the woman. But, she puts the cork back in the bottle. "What are you doing?"

Woman, "I'm calling the cops."
---------
Trainride

There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, it�s disgusting to watch".
He says "Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep".
"It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls the communication cord.
The man says "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"
The woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers!"
--------------
Police

Things you shouldn�t say to a police officer
1. I can�t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn�t realize my radar detector wasn�t plugged in.
3.Aren�t you the guy from the Village People?
4 . Hey, you must�ve been doin� about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You�re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That�s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That�s how far ahead of me they are !
12. When the Officer says �Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?� You probably shouldn�t respond with,�Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?�
--------------
Phonecall

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."
-----------
Arrest your Mother

The young police recruit was asked.." what would you do if you were sent to arrest your mother?"
His reply.... " Call for backup""
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Naked Bikers

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
----------
Police Humor

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

[�io]

One of the policemen said to George: �I thought you said that you�d shot them!�
George said, �I thought you said there was nobody available!�

[Nohimn]

about the xboxes... I got mine on christmas and it froze twice already......

anyways, three women were running from an angry mob. They each hid in three different potato barrels. The mob went to the first barrel, which contained the brunette. she meowed like a cat, so the angry mob went away. The redhead was in the second barrel barking like a dog. the mob thought it was a dog and ignored it. Now the blonde, who was in the last barrel, thought she would be smart and make an animal sound too. The mob was inspecting the barrel when she shouted out "POTATO! POTATO!!"

[Toimu]

2 guys get arrested for drug position. The judge desides to let them off with probation and community service. The community service was to get as many other people to stop using drugs as possible.

Next month they go to report to their probation officer. The officer asked how many people they got to stop using drugs, the 1st guys says 38 in the past month. The officer is shocked by this number and ask how he did it. The 1st guy says, "I used a diagram."

O
This is your brain.

o
This is your brain on drugs.

"That seems to have worked pretty well." says the officer. "How did you do?" The second guy says "I got 124 people to stop using drugs in the past month."

That is amazing! How did you do it?

I used a diagram also.

o
This is your ass.

O
This is your ass in prison.

[Denali]

What the hell is a prawn?!

---------------

Three men are waiting at the gates of heaven for Peter to let them in. The first man approaches the pearly gates.

"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven. Before I can admit you tell me how you died," St. Peter tells the first man.

"Well, it's all kind of a blur, but I was exercising on my 9th floor apartment deck when I slipped off of my treadmill and fell over the ledge. I managed to grab the rail of the deck below me, when this crazy SOB ran out and started stomping on my fingers! I of course fell off and landed in the bushes below. As I lay there hanging onto my last shred of life all I remember is seeing a large white object falling from the sky and everything fading to black..."

St. Peter opens the pearly gates. "Sorry to hear it, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, enjoy your stay."

The second man walks up. "Hello," St. Peter extends his arms. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven. Before I can let you in I need to hear how you lost your life."

The second guy says, "Ok. Well I usually spend my lunch break at work but today I forgot my sandwich. So I headed home to spend some time with my young wife, since I spend so much time at the office nowadays. So I open the door to my apartment and my wife comes rushing out of the bedroom half-naked! She was having an affair on me! I asked her where he was hiding, but she wouldn't tell me, so I started tearing apart the place looking for the son of a bitch. Then, I see these fingers hanging onto my balcony rail. The SOB was hiding outside! So in a rage I stomped on his fingers until he fell, but he landed in some bushes and was still alive. So, and I'm sorry for this I realize I was wrong now, I grabbed the first heavy thing I could think of, the refrigerator, and pushed it over the ledge. Unfortuneatley, with all the commotion and the weight of the fridge I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

St. Peter raised a hand to his mouth to hide a smile. "Is that so? Well welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, enjoy your stay." And he was admitted.

The third and final guy walked up to St. Peter and Peter made the same request, to hear how the man died.

The man scratched his head and said, "OK, picture this: I"m naked in a refrigerator..."




#2

This is a true story Navaron told me, I promised I'd never tell anyone but what the heck, y'all are like family....

SO Navaron was in a plane wreck over the ocean, and the lucky bastard survives and ends up on a deserted island. A few bits of luggage wash up from the wreck, and with the natural fruits and fresh water of the island Nav is able to survive for awhile. Turns out a few days later Nav's not alone on the island, he also has a doberman and a sheep to keep him company. Things are going great, the dog and sheep end up being great companions for Nav and he is living like a king, except for one thing. Nav is getting to be one horny guy. It's all he can think about. Eventually, after several months, it's wearing away at him and the sheep starts looking better and better to him. One night he can't take it anymore and decides to give the sheep a good rogering, but the dog starts barking at him and tries to bite him! Everytime Nav so much as tried to pet the sheep the dog would try and attack him. So Nav goes on being a lonely, love-starved man on his island until one night a horrible storm blows through and destroys his hut he had built with his own two hands. In the morning Nav was walking along the beach, looking for things to build his new home with when he comes across a person washed up on the shore! He rushes over to it, and discovers a totally gorgeous woman! Afraid she had drowned he checked her pulse, but lo and behold she was still alive! He performed CPR and was able to revive the beautiful girl. "Oh, you saved my life Nav! Thank you so much!!" she said. "No problem," says Nav, "My friend Denali taught me everything I know." "Oh," she says,"I'll do anything you ask, absolutely anything for saving my life!!" Nav raises a hand to his pre-pubescent chin, "Anything, eh?" "Anything," she says. Nav thinks for a minute and says, "Could you watch that dog over there for a few minutes?"

[Navaron]

You son of a bitch. You shouldn't call your sister a sheep.

[Denali]

I don't have a sister...musta been my mom.....


waitaminute

[HotDogTommy]

Billy is in the 4th grade and walks home from school everyday. for variety, he likes to take different routes. His favorite foute, though, is through the junkyard. Whenever he walks through the junkyard he like to poke around in all the stuff to see what kind of cool things he can scavenge. So this one day, he's walking through and looking around, and he finds a real score. A perfect, mint condition welder's mask. So he's happy as a pig in shit, walking home wearing the welder's mask. And as he's walking home, and hears a voice from the alley.

"Psst...Hey kid, come here."

Billy walks into the alley wondering who this is...

"Hey kid, let me ask you something...you ever heard of the word homosexual?"

"Umm, no" Billy says.

"Well, kid, have you ever heard of sodomy?"

"Well, no, not really"

"Then let me ask you this, kid, have you ever heard of a pedophile?"

Billy starts to get angry and says:" Dude! Hey! I'm not a real welder!"


no one else ever likes that joke except me....

[Toimu]

An angel is walking threw a park when he comes across a male and female statue holding hands. The angel fills sorry for them and decides to bring them to life. After doing so, he tells them they only have 10 minutes to live before he must change them back.

The couple look at each and smile like they can read each others mind. They run off to the nearest bushes and go out of sight. The angel can hear the bushes rustling, then giggling, finally moaning.

After 5 minutes the couple come back to the angel. The angel tells the statues they still have 5 minutes. The man looks at the women and says, "You want to do it again?" The women replies, "Sure, but this time you hold down the birds, and I shit on them!"