Biblical Starcraft

[EineBeBoP]

Biblical Starcraft

My friend copied and pasted it to me, although he won't tell me where its from, and I can't give credit. From some Starcraft forum as far as I know though.



1st Romans 13:1-2

"And then the Lord opened up Starcraft, and clicked Multiplayer, and connected to Battle.net, and lo, there was a new patch available fixing many errors. And the Lord rejoiced to see his people following his ways, and he downloaded the patch with joyous song of angels resounding across the heavens.

1st Romans 13:3-5

And when the patch had finished, he restarted his computer, so that errors wouldst not creep upon his hard drive in his hour of victory. With a click of the heavenly mouse he didst enter the chat room, and verily, he saw legions upon legions of Hunters maps, and he was displeased, and then he moved with great speed unto Use Map Settings, and there he saw many games of Golem Madness, and once again his wrath was provoked upon the heathens.

1st Romans 3:6-8

For in the days of the Hebrew fathers, the Lord had commanded Moses, Thou shalt not make maps with huge amounts of resources, nor shalt any one map comprise more than fifty percent of any game type, and the people hardened their hearts and would not listen. So the Lord created his own game, and he called it "THE WRATH OF THE LORD SHALL COME UPON ALL OF YE", and it was full within thirty seconds, and the game was begun.

1st Romans 9-13:

In the days of Race Selection, Jesus had made the Terrans his chosen people, and as the game started, he commanded his SCVs to harvest minerals and great quantities of Vespene Gas for the glory of the Lord. And he set down commandment for the people, saying "Once a year, a tribute of forty minerals and twenty Vespene Gas shall be paid to the Levites, expecting my servants who require more minerals for their daily bread, but they must substitute three doves or one goat." And the servants of the Lord, yea, even the Medics and Science Vessels, said "What the hell are you talking about?", and the Lord replied, "Just go attack the Zerg, you pansies."

And the Marines and Firebats, and yea, even the Siege Tanks, journeyed across the map, though the Lord had not yet researched Siege Mode. And as they traversed the map, through many hills and valleys, they came unto a great expanse of water, and they could not cross. For in the days of the Hebrew fathers Moses had parted the Red Sea with his staff, but none of the people had created a Moses hero unit, nay, not one, and anyway, there's no "Part Sea" special ability.

1st Romans 3:13-14

So the Lord sent out the Wraiths, hidden under their cloaks from the misbegotten Zerg enemies, and they found a Zerg expansion, covered in the vile Creep, but the air-to-ground lasers of the Wraiths couldst not prevail against the Spore Colonies, and the Wraiths did fall in a mighty blaze. So the Lord built many Dropships, andupon the first of these he clicked many times to hear it say "In case of a water landing, you may be used as a flotation device," and he was pleased.

1st Romans 3:15-17

And Jesus loaded his forces into the Dropships, and sent them across the watery expanse, but the Zerg had placed Sunken Colonies upon the shore, and Spore Colonies behind them, and the Lord could not land his people upon the shore, for they would surely die. So the Lord responded to the Zerg colonies of darkness with many Missile Towers upon his own shore, and many multitudes of Zerg Overlords died as they flew across the sea to the shore of God.

1st Romans 3:18-20

And Jesus did build vast legions of Battleships with Yamato Cannons, even unto the end of his food supply, and he fired upon the Sunken Colonies with the Cannons, and they fell with a mighty crash, as did the gates of Jericho in the days before the coming of the Son. And the Lord, with great haste, landed his Siege Tanks, and set them up in Siege Mode, and they fired upon the Spore Colonies, and like the Sunken Colonies they did fall, and the armies of the Lord rejoiced.

1st Romans 3:21-22

But as the Colonies fell, armies of Zerglings rushed upon the Tanks, and the Tanks could not withstand the assault of their deadly claws, for the minimum range restricted them, and the tanks converted to Tank Mode with great haste, but the slow fire rate of the Lord's armies could not withstand the Zerg's unclean Adrenal Glands, and the Tanks were destroyed.

1st Romans 3:22-24

And the Lord cursed the vile Zerg, and damned them unto life eternal in the fiery pits of Char, but they hardened their hearts and would not go. So the Lord used his almighty power of Sensor Sweep, and gazed upon the Zerg base, and saw the Guardians massing there to fire upon the Missile Turrets of light, and he laughed, for the foolish Zerg had used up many minerals, and doomed themselves unto a loss.

1st Romans 3:25-27

And the Lord turned in his swively chair to the Archangel Michael, and said "In this they have sown the seeds of their own destruction." And Michael agreed, for he had, in the days before the creation of the world, used the Guardian strategy, and the Lord had owned him. So the Lord built an armada of Valkyries, and hid them behind the Missile Turrets, and the blind and foolish Guardians saw them not, and into the Lord's trap they fell.

1st Romans 3:28-30

And as the Guardians exploded in a deluge of fluids, the Lord once more sent the Battlecruisers upon the Zerg base, and they besieged the base, and the Mutalisks, and yea, even the tiny Scourge, though many of them impacted, could not defeat the Cruisers of Jesus. And as the Cruisers destroyed the Zerg base with the Yamato Cannons of nuclear light, many Zealots and Dragoons also attacked the Zerg. And when the Zerg were defeated, the heathen Protoss turned upon the Battlecruisers, and though their numbers were many and the battle glorious, the forces of the Lord prevailed.

1st Romans 3:31-32

And the Lord once again used his omniscient Sensor Sweep, but this time he did turn it unto the Protoss base, and there he saw many Dark Templars amassed, yea, and Shuttles with full upgrades, and Reavers, and even Corsairs, who dared turn the power of the Lord's light against him by using the Disruption Web for the ends of those who opposed the Lord.

[EineBeBoP]

Part II:


1st Romans 3:32-34

And Jesus looked upon the Protoss, and he was troubled. For as the armies of the Lord had fallen to the Hittites in the days of Israel and Judah, so also might the Battlecruisers fall unto the Corsairs and Photon Cannons arrayed against them. And if the Shuttles, by some dark trickery or deception, passed through the Lord's network of Missile Turrets, the Lord's bases would be surely destroyed. So the Lord retreated behind his Turrets, and waited for the unclean Protoss to attempt a violation of the Lord's sacred ground, for if they looked upon the glory of God without first purifying themselves, they would surely die.

1st Romans 3:35-37

And the Jesus waited with great patience for the coming of the Protoss Shuttles, and he prayed to his Father for strength in the hour of darkness. And in the final hour before Armageddon, the Shuttles came, and they were destroyed with haste in fiery blazes, and the people of the Lord rejoiced.

1st Romans 3:38-41

And the Lord once again sent forth the Battlecruisers unto the Protoss base, but they were now aided by many legions of Siege Tanks, and the Battlecruisers fired upon the Pylons powering the Photon Cannons, and the unclean Protoss attempted in their foolishness to build more heathen Zealots, but a voice from above resounded in the ears of the Protoss commander, and its words were "YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS", and the Protoss base was destroyed with haste by the Yamato Cannons and Siege Tanks of the Lord, and the victory belonged to the Lord.

And the Lord�s heart was glad, for since the dawn of creation it had been his desire to be worshipped, not for his infinite power and mercy, but for his skill at Starcraft. For with his victory he hadst garnered enough wins for Ladder play, and his desire to move his ranking up filled him with a powerful longing. And in his wisdom he saw that, unless he specialized in one race, he would surely fail, for though he was omnipotent and omniscient, some of these people never left their mothers� basements, and even the power of the Lord could not stand against their rapid clicks and devious strategies devised over hours of play beyond measure, and carried out by their nacho grease-covered hands.

Raynor 1:5-7

So the Lord made the Protoss his chosen race, for though the Terrans had served him well in time of need, the Protoss had Dark Templar, and Scouts, and Archons, and yea, the greatest of all units, mass Carriers. And the Lord went unto the Create Game screen once again, and selected a 2v2 map, and he ordained the game �ANYONE THINK THEY CAN BEAT GOD?!?!?!??!!�, and once again it was filled up within thirty seconds, which were as the blinking of an eye unto the Lord.

Raynor 1:8-10

And the Lord saw the records of his opponents, and despaired. For though his opponents did not live in their mothers� basements, one was 101-36-11, and one was 75-28-12, and the ally of the Lord was but a meager 15-11-2. So the Lord awaited the end of the game countdown, knowing even as the numbers lessened, so might his ranking before the people of Battle.net, and he was overcome with grief.

Raynor 1:11-13

And the Lord begun the harvesting of resoucres, and commanded the people to build altars and temples unto him, until one Probe pointed out that those were not in the build menu. So the Lord struck down the foolish Probe who contradicted him, and commanded another to construct additional Pylons, and a Gateway to train Zealots for the Lord. And when it was done, he began construction of the rest of the tech tree, for he knew that the way to victory was to build mass Carriers, and destroy the enemy with one swift stroke.

Raynor 1:14-17

And the Lord built the Forge, and the Gateway, and the Cybernetics Core, and the Citadel of Adun, and the Robotics Facility, and the Robotics Support Bay. And then the Lord commanded the people "Thou shalt build a Stargate, and it shall be four thousand cubits long, and eight furlongs tall, and three fathoms deep, and ninety denarii wide. And when it is complete, ye all shall build a Fleet Beacon, and it shall be exactly one hundred and twelve pesos tall, and exactly 15 light-years wide, and exactly 3.1415926535 deciliters long, and if ye do not build it exactly as I have commanded, the wrath of the Lord will fall upon ye, and your children will be cursed with boils upon their hands and feet, and even upon their genitals, until the seventh generation.

Raynor 1:18-21

So the people built the Stargate, and the Fleet Beacon, and the Lord began to build his Carriers, but he required more Vespene Gas. So the Lord sent two scouts unto the Promised Land of the nearby mineral expansion, and they returned and reported that the Zerg controlled the expansion, and fear entered the hearts of the people. So the Lord cursed the people to roam the wilderness for forty years, and when the forty years were complete, the people marched upon the city, and marched around the Hive once a day for six days, and on the seventh day they marched around it seven times, and they blew their trumpets, and the walls of the Hive came tumbling down, and the Probes of the Lord built a Nexus upon the ruins.

[SDM]

You don't really expect anyone to read ALL of that do you?

[Derfud]

Exactly what I was going to say.

[Ivan]

I read the first two. Then stoped.

[Electrofreak]

I StarCraft...

That said, I only read a few of those too

[UncleDynamite]

Read all of it. Very funny stuff.

[EineBeBoP]

Hell i did, but it was pretty damn funny.

[Kyonye]

i read the first few lines of the first one. no reason to read, i have enough understanding of where its going.....

[Cyanide]

And then the Lord looked at what had been written and said. "That's too fuckin' long".


The part I actually read was funny though.

[OfaLoaf]

I thought it was a well-written insult against you-know-who before I started reading it all.


It's great, but it should be Biblical Starcraft:Broodwar,

[Hezzy]

[Infernus]

Raynor 1:14-17 And the Lord built the Forge, and the Gateway, and the Cybernetics Core, and the Citadel of Adun, and the Robotics Facility, and the Robotics Support Bay. And then the Lord commanded the people "Thou shalt build a Stargate, and it shall be four thousand cubits long, and eight furlongs tall, and three fathoms deep, and ninety denarii wide. And when it is complete, ye all shall build a Fleet Beacon, and it shall be exactly one hundred and twelve pesos tall, and exactly 15 light-years wide, and exactly 3.1415926535 deciliters long, and if ye do not build it exactly as I have commanded, the wrath of the Lord will fall upon ye, and your children will be cursed with boils upon their hands and feet, and even upon their genitals, until the seventh generation.

[AztecWarrior]

[OfaLoaf]

Originally Posted by AztecWarrior

You don't like it when people make a joke about God playing Starcraft? Most of the people in the lounge appear to be very increbibly loose in their faith anyways... there's a few ferverent ones, but most just joke about stuff. Calm down.