Tell me what you think?

Kam · 2004-12-06, 08:46 PM

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AztecWarrior · 2004-12-06, 08:48 PM

Very good, though I'd feel a little more than "All right! My friend died! It's warm!"

ChewyLSB · 2004-12-06, 09:01 PM

Something that I think could be added: the action of the bolt. After the fire of the round, if your character were to work the action of the bolt, it would reinforce the idea that the Russian soldier pictured here is just another mechanical soldier, even after his friend died.

That's just what I would do.

Kam · 2004-12-06, 09:27 PM

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ChewyLSB · 2004-12-06, 09:35 PM

I think if you put it before his realisation of the warmth, it would have the most effect. Just a simple line, "I worked the action of the bolt to chamber the next round", something to that effect. Then, you can have the "Oh, it's warm statement". The warm sensation doesn't necessarily have to come right after it, because I feel that the warm sensation somewhat detracts, yet adds at the same time the sensation that this soldier is becoming a mechanical soldier. That's just my personal opinion.

Strygun · 2004-12-06, 10:14 PM

Coincidentally, I just wrote a 6 page paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War II (a sequel to my paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War I).

It's an excellent paper.

Kyonye · 2004-12-06, 10:18 PM

Originally Posted by Strygun

Coincidentally, I just wrote a 6 page paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War II (a sequel to my paper on the U.S. Involvement in World War I).

It's an excellent paper.

so show us it

Glaynor · 2004-12-07, 10:25 AM

I really like it. I really like it a lot. Your writing style is straightforward and not to wordy, which is a really good thing. The only thing I would do is expand on your concepts a little bit. My wife is a writer and has the same difficulty in her writing as you do (not good word choice really cause it isn't a 'problem'). What I mean by expand on your concepts is to elaborate more on certain things. You say you are a coal miner - expand on that, i.e. "I grew up as a coal miner in Siberia, spending my days and nights in the dark tunnels looking for some coal." You can then go into that later on in your writing at the appropriate time. Also expand on the "life you wouldn't know". "I joined the army to help Mother Russia but the lives of the [upper class] {wrong wording} would be preserved while I would end up in the same coal mine if I survived."

When you speak about dispatching the German as you would dinner, I would think that dinner would be something a soldier cherished - the down time, the food, the relaxation. Use a different metaphor - dispatching the German as you would throw a piece of unusable coal or something like that.

I also really like about the blood warming you, but that makes your character seam cruel and unsympathetic. Add something about you looking at your camrade and realizing that you wouldn't ever talk to him again or share your dinners, but that you then realized you were warm and you were thankful about that. Make it so the reader feels your duality of a friend and a freezing soldier. On the one hand your friend is gone, but on the other hand you are a soldier and that his death has heated you for a moment.